Tortured by Thai visits
Dear Thelma
I AM a married woman in my 40s with a teenage son. My marriage was a happy one until two years ago when I found some condoms in my husband’s luggage and that he had been making regular visits to a Thai border town. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he had to entertain because of the nature of his job and promised me that he would put a stop to this.
Alas! Two years have passed and his visits continue. Each time I find out, I confront him about it but he tells me all sorts of lies instead. I am having sleepless nights and feeling emotionally drained because of his constant denials and lies. Furthermore, we have not been intimate for quite a while.
I would very much like to save our marriage for the sake of our son. I want my former loving and family-oriented husband back rather than contemplate ending our relationship because I do not have the confidence to start afresh as I stopped working more than 15 years ago.
Lulu
IT is unlikely that your husband will revert to the man he was before he got entangled with prostitutes. He has been feeding you lies and false promises for two years. Your relationship with him has been sexually cold and indifferent. So what are your options?
There are women like you who suffer marriages of convenience for their own good reasons. You are thinking of your son and your financial dependence on him. You are afraid to start afresh because you feel useless, incapable and lack drive and confidence. It’s a tough, harsh world outside for a homemaker like you. It’s normal to feel so hapless, so hopeless in such a situation.
There are also women who are not afraid to fight back for their esteem, pride and dignity. Your husband has been cheating on you. He has betrayed your love, trust and the sanctity of your marriage. And most importantly, what values can you impart to your teenage son should he find out the truth? Is it acceptable to lie, cheat and betray? He may hate his father but he might also learn the worst from him. And can he respect you, his mother, for allowing such emotional abuse and neglect?
When cornered, do not be afraid to fight back. Your child is a young adult and he has the right to choices and decisions. He need not grow up hating his father but he needs to understand right from wrong. Let him know the truth. His father cannot deny the facts and if he loves you and his child, he must stop being irresponsible and selfish. And you must not let your husband know your fear so he cannot bully you into submission and defeat.
When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. You are trapped in a marriage you are afraid to leave. While your heart breaks every time your man leaves for his prostitutes and have his fun, you dare not walk away from the cold, empty bed. If you can live with this for the rest of your life, then it is your choice. But if you want more than a farce of a marriage, the shell of a man, then consider walking out.
Search the Internet for support groups. The Women’s Aid Organisation (www.wao.org.my) may be a good start. Even if you need to stay in your marriage, it helps to have friends and people who understand. Learn to be liberated. You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to fear.
Showing posts with label thelma 15feb09. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thelma 15feb09. Show all posts
Monday, January 25, 2010
finding love again
I HAD a friend who passed away suddenly at the age of 56, leaving behind a wife, son and daughter. The family did not know what to do. Since my wife also passed away this year, I had some experience in handling the situation. After a week, their children invited me to their house to handle some administrative matters like applying for the letter of administration and pension papers. My friend had left a will and they had a lawyer to manage the matters.
The real problem was the wife who was solely dependent on the husband for everything, although she is a school teacher. She calls me now and then to ask for help. Finally, I got a counsellor to advise her. This did not help much as she really missed her husband.
I made it a point to visit her daily for about an hour, and made her talk about her problems. As time passed, she realised that she had to make decision in her life. I also began to understand her problem. She lives in a big house with only the television for company. I suggested she get a radio/CD player so that she could listen to beautiful music. She received the arrears of husband’s pension and the letter of administration from her lawyers, and her condition began to improve.
It has now been eight months since her husband’s death. One day, she told me she wanted to buy me lunch for all my help, but I was reluctant to go out as that might give the public the wrong impression. I suggested instead that she cook at home, and when I visited her for dinner, she looked as happy as she did before her husband’s death.
We finished a whole bottle of wine and as I was about to leave, she kissed me and asked me to stay the night. This scared me a bit but I did so anyway. She spoke about personal matters and told me that she wanted to have sex.
I agreed and from then on, we would have sex at least once a month. We are like “husband and wife” then and are now thinking of getting married because she can benefit from my pension. We had a fair discussion of our future, our children and the property we have. So far, things have been fine for us. We have consulted a lawyer for advice.
We have told our children of our intention and they are not happy. We are leaving things to fate to take its course.
Objection
AS you and your lady are widowed and of an age that do not need consent, why should the children object? Rightfully, they should be happy that you have found love, passion and companionship in your golden years.
You have done everything you could to avoid financial and social complications. It’s time for you to get married again, relax and enjoy time together with your wife. Yes, let fate take its course. No one has any good reason to complain or think it’s a bad idea. Would your children take care of you when you are ill and lonely? In today’s rat race, everyone seems to be busy. Old folks are put away because there is not enough time and money to care for them.
Do not allow selfish behaviour to mar your joy. Do not feel obligated to even explain your intentions. Marriage is a joyful union between two people. Regardless of age, it is a celebration of the start of living with someone cherished. People who love and care about you should only be too glad to give their blessings.
The real problem was the wife who was solely dependent on the husband for everything, although she is a school teacher. She calls me now and then to ask for help. Finally, I got a counsellor to advise her. This did not help much as she really missed her husband.
I made it a point to visit her daily for about an hour, and made her talk about her problems. As time passed, she realised that she had to make decision in her life. I also began to understand her problem. She lives in a big house with only the television for company. I suggested she get a radio/CD player so that she could listen to beautiful music. She received the arrears of husband’s pension and the letter of administration from her lawyers, and her condition began to improve.
It has now been eight months since her husband’s death. One day, she told me she wanted to buy me lunch for all my help, but I was reluctant to go out as that might give the public the wrong impression. I suggested instead that she cook at home, and when I visited her for dinner, she looked as happy as she did before her husband’s death.
We finished a whole bottle of wine and as I was about to leave, she kissed me and asked me to stay the night. This scared me a bit but I did so anyway. She spoke about personal matters and told me that she wanted to have sex.
I agreed and from then on, we would have sex at least once a month. We are like “husband and wife” then and are now thinking of getting married because she can benefit from my pension. We had a fair discussion of our future, our children and the property we have. So far, things have been fine for us. We have consulted a lawyer for advice.
We have told our children of our intention and they are not happy. We are leaving things to fate to take its course.
Objection
AS you and your lady are widowed and of an age that do not need consent, why should the children object? Rightfully, they should be happy that you have found love, passion and companionship in your golden years.
You have done everything you could to avoid financial and social complications. It’s time for you to get married again, relax and enjoy time together with your wife. Yes, let fate take its course. No one has any good reason to complain or think it’s a bad idea. Would your children take care of you when you are ill and lonely? In today’s rat race, everyone seems to be busy. Old folks are put away because there is not enough time and money to care for them.
Do not allow selfish behaviour to mar your joy. Do not feel obligated to even explain your intentions. Marriage is a joyful union between two people. Regardless of age, it is a celebration of the start of living with someone cherished. People who love and care about you should only be too glad to give their blessings.
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