day February 22, 2009
She loves him, she loves him not...
I AM a 30-year-old woman. I married X three years ago, but we divorced after a year. He had many problems, which included gambling and drinking.
However, he is actually a good person deep down. We divorced because his drinking and gambling problems worsened and he didn’t want to change his ways.
Also, he had a relationship with a colleague (although he denies it till today). I knew he was sad that we divorced as I saw him crying the day he signed the divorce papers.
I was devastated too, as we were together for close to seven years, but I could not take his bad habits any longer.
Some time after the divorce, I met A. He is everything that X is not. They are total opposites.
While A does not have the problems that X had, A is not very nice towards my family. He is polite, but does not care for my family as much as X did.
However, he loves me very much. I married A a year ago. A is always very concerned about my emotional feelings and always tries to make me happy.
I know it is wrong for me to compare the two of them but I miss many of the things that X used to do for me. I do not meet X anymore but I sometimes email him when I am feeling lonely and depressed.
A does not know about this. I feel very guilty. Recently, my would-be anniversary with X passed and I couldn’t help but reminisce about him and our relationship. I missed him so much, and I cried and was depressed for many days.
I am still depressed, and still think of him, and I can’t help but wonder whether I made the right step by divorcing him. I am happy with A, but I still miss X.
How do I forget X and live in my present and not the past? I know I should be focusing on my life with A now.
I think of all the bad things X had done to me and his unwillingness to change but a part of me still says that it was a mistake to leave him.
Please help me, Thelma. I am so depressed and my condition is affecting my relationship with A.
JML
UNLESS you are considering leaving A for your ex, stop your dreams and reminisces. Rationally, you know it’s wrong and unfair to be constantly thinking of X when A loves you so much.
Face the truth. Can you be forever happy with a man who gambles and drinks? You have tried changing X’s ways but failed.
You chose to divorce him but felt guilty and remorseful for causing him pain and tears.
You seem to regret your decision and this is a mistake. You now allow the best of X to dominate your heart and mind while A gets the blame for not being as nice and close to your family. The poor fellow does not even know his crime.
Don’t mess up because you feel sorry and guilty about X. A loves you but you should not expect him to shower love, warmth and attention on your family.
He didn’t marry all of them. Harping on niggling issues is picking on bones. You haven’t given A time and opportunity to grow close to your loved ones.
How could you put this as a fault big enough to allow X back into your life?
Don’t be a fool of the moment and destroy a lifetime of happiness. Stop the emails, try to avoid X for now. He is a distraction you do not need. Concentrate on your marriage, give it the priority it deserves.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with your ex but it should not be a secret. When you have to lie, your marriage is in jeopardy.
Monday, January 25, 2010
thai visitors
Tortured by Thai visits
Dear Thelma
I AM a married woman in my 40s with a teenage son. My marriage was a happy one until two years ago when I found some condoms in my husband’s luggage and that he had been making regular visits to a Thai border town. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he had to entertain because of the nature of his job and promised me that he would put a stop to this.
Alas! Two years have passed and his visits continue. Each time I find out, I confront him about it but he tells me all sorts of lies instead. I am having sleepless nights and feeling emotionally drained because of his constant denials and lies. Furthermore, we have not been intimate for quite a while.
I would very much like to save our marriage for the sake of our son. I want my former loving and family-oriented husband back rather than contemplate ending our relationship because I do not have the confidence to start afresh as I stopped working more than 15 years ago.
Lulu
IT is unlikely that your husband will revert to the man he was before he got entangled with prostitutes. He has been feeding you lies and false promises for two years. Your relationship with him has been sexually cold and indifferent. So what are your options?
There are women like you who suffer marriages of convenience for their own good reasons. You are thinking of your son and your financial dependence on him. You are afraid to start afresh because you feel useless, incapable and lack drive and confidence. It’s a tough, harsh world outside for a homemaker like you. It’s normal to feel so hapless, so hopeless in such a situation.
There are also women who are not afraid to fight back for their esteem, pride and dignity. Your husband has been cheating on you. He has betrayed your love, trust and the sanctity of your marriage. And most importantly, what values can you impart to your teenage son should he find out the truth? Is it acceptable to lie, cheat and betray? He may hate his father but he might also learn the worst from him. And can he respect you, his mother, for allowing such emotional abuse and neglect?
When cornered, do not be afraid to fight back. Your child is a young adult and he has the right to choices and decisions. He need not grow up hating his father but he needs to understand right from wrong. Let him know the truth. His father cannot deny the facts and if he loves you and his child, he must stop being irresponsible and selfish. And you must not let your husband know your fear so he cannot bully you into submission and defeat.
When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. You are trapped in a marriage you are afraid to leave. While your heart breaks every time your man leaves for his prostitutes and have his fun, you dare not walk away from the cold, empty bed. If you can live with this for the rest of your life, then it is your choice. But if you want more than a farce of a marriage, the shell of a man, then consider walking out.
Search the Internet for support groups. The Women’s Aid Organisation (www.wao.org.my) may be a good start. Even if you need to stay in your marriage, it helps to have friends and people who understand. Learn to be liberated. You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to fear.
Dear Thelma
I AM a married woman in my 40s with a teenage son. My marriage was a happy one until two years ago when I found some condoms in my husband’s luggage and that he had been making regular visits to a Thai border town. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he had to entertain because of the nature of his job and promised me that he would put a stop to this.
Alas! Two years have passed and his visits continue. Each time I find out, I confront him about it but he tells me all sorts of lies instead. I am having sleepless nights and feeling emotionally drained because of his constant denials and lies. Furthermore, we have not been intimate for quite a while.
I would very much like to save our marriage for the sake of our son. I want my former loving and family-oriented husband back rather than contemplate ending our relationship because I do not have the confidence to start afresh as I stopped working more than 15 years ago.
Lulu
IT is unlikely that your husband will revert to the man he was before he got entangled with prostitutes. He has been feeding you lies and false promises for two years. Your relationship with him has been sexually cold and indifferent. So what are your options?
There are women like you who suffer marriages of convenience for their own good reasons. You are thinking of your son and your financial dependence on him. You are afraid to start afresh because you feel useless, incapable and lack drive and confidence. It’s a tough, harsh world outside for a homemaker like you. It’s normal to feel so hapless, so hopeless in such a situation.
There are also women who are not afraid to fight back for their esteem, pride and dignity. Your husband has been cheating on you. He has betrayed your love, trust and the sanctity of your marriage. And most importantly, what values can you impart to your teenage son should he find out the truth? Is it acceptable to lie, cheat and betray? He may hate his father but he might also learn the worst from him. And can he respect you, his mother, for allowing such emotional abuse and neglect?
When cornered, do not be afraid to fight back. Your child is a young adult and he has the right to choices and decisions. He need not grow up hating his father but he needs to understand right from wrong. Let him know the truth. His father cannot deny the facts and if he loves you and his child, he must stop being irresponsible and selfish. And you must not let your husband know your fear so he cannot bully you into submission and defeat.
When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. You are trapped in a marriage you are afraid to leave. While your heart breaks every time your man leaves for his prostitutes and have his fun, you dare not walk away from the cold, empty bed. If you can live with this for the rest of your life, then it is your choice. But if you want more than a farce of a marriage, the shell of a man, then consider walking out.
Search the Internet for support groups. The Women’s Aid Organisation (www.wao.org.my) may be a good start. Even if you need to stay in your marriage, it helps to have friends and people who understand. Learn to be liberated. You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to fear.
finding love again
I HAD a friend who passed away suddenly at the age of 56, leaving behind a wife, son and daughter. The family did not know what to do. Since my wife also passed away this year, I had some experience in handling the situation. After a week, their children invited me to their house to handle some administrative matters like applying for the letter of administration and pension papers. My friend had left a will and they had a lawyer to manage the matters.
The real problem was the wife who was solely dependent on the husband for everything, although she is a school teacher. She calls me now and then to ask for help. Finally, I got a counsellor to advise her. This did not help much as she really missed her husband.
I made it a point to visit her daily for about an hour, and made her talk about her problems. As time passed, she realised that she had to make decision in her life. I also began to understand her problem. She lives in a big house with only the television for company. I suggested she get a radio/CD player so that she could listen to beautiful music. She received the arrears of husband’s pension and the letter of administration from her lawyers, and her condition began to improve.
It has now been eight months since her husband’s death. One day, she told me she wanted to buy me lunch for all my help, but I was reluctant to go out as that might give the public the wrong impression. I suggested instead that she cook at home, and when I visited her for dinner, she looked as happy as she did before her husband’s death.
We finished a whole bottle of wine and as I was about to leave, she kissed me and asked me to stay the night. This scared me a bit but I did so anyway. She spoke about personal matters and told me that she wanted to have sex.
I agreed and from then on, we would have sex at least once a month. We are like “husband and wife” then and are now thinking of getting married because she can benefit from my pension. We had a fair discussion of our future, our children and the property we have. So far, things have been fine for us. We have consulted a lawyer for advice.
We have told our children of our intention and they are not happy. We are leaving things to fate to take its course.
Objection
AS you and your lady are widowed and of an age that do not need consent, why should the children object? Rightfully, they should be happy that you have found love, passion and companionship in your golden years.
You have done everything you could to avoid financial and social complications. It’s time for you to get married again, relax and enjoy time together with your wife. Yes, let fate take its course. No one has any good reason to complain or think it’s a bad idea. Would your children take care of you when you are ill and lonely? In today’s rat race, everyone seems to be busy. Old folks are put away because there is not enough time and money to care for them.
Do not allow selfish behaviour to mar your joy. Do not feel obligated to even explain your intentions. Marriage is a joyful union between two people. Regardless of age, it is a celebration of the start of living with someone cherished. People who love and care about you should only be too glad to give their blessings.
The real problem was the wife who was solely dependent on the husband for everything, although she is a school teacher. She calls me now and then to ask for help. Finally, I got a counsellor to advise her. This did not help much as she really missed her husband.
I made it a point to visit her daily for about an hour, and made her talk about her problems. As time passed, she realised that she had to make decision in her life. I also began to understand her problem. She lives in a big house with only the television for company. I suggested she get a radio/CD player so that she could listen to beautiful music. She received the arrears of husband’s pension and the letter of administration from her lawyers, and her condition began to improve.
It has now been eight months since her husband’s death. One day, she told me she wanted to buy me lunch for all my help, but I was reluctant to go out as that might give the public the wrong impression. I suggested instead that she cook at home, and when I visited her for dinner, she looked as happy as she did before her husband’s death.
We finished a whole bottle of wine and as I was about to leave, she kissed me and asked me to stay the night. This scared me a bit but I did so anyway. She spoke about personal matters and told me that she wanted to have sex.
I agreed and from then on, we would have sex at least once a month. We are like “husband and wife” then and are now thinking of getting married because she can benefit from my pension. We had a fair discussion of our future, our children and the property we have. So far, things have been fine for us. We have consulted a lawyer for advice.
We have told our children of our intention and they are not happy. We are leaving things to fate to take its course.
Objection
AS you and your lady are widowed and of an age that do not need consent, why should the children object? Rightfully, they should be happy that you have found love, passion and companionship in your golden years.
You have done everything you could to avoid financial and social complications. It’s time for you to get married again, relax and enjoy time together with your wife. Yes, let fate take its course. No one has any good reason to complain or think it’s a bad idea. Would your children take care of you when you are ill and lonely? In today’s rat race, everyone seems to be busy. Old folks are put away because there is not enough time and money to care for them.
Do not allow selfish behaviour to mar your joy. Do not feel obligated to even explain your intentions. Marriage is a joyful union between two people. Regardless of age, it is a celebration of the start of living with someone cherished. People who love and care about you should only be too glad to give their blessings.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
back to cheating
Back to cheating
I LAST wrote to you in 2004 as “Depressed” (letter published in November 2004) about my cheating husband. He is now seeing someone again.
I have discovered little pieces of strong evidence that prove he has been having an unwanted affair, and when I confronted him, as expected, he denied everything. He said nothing but his facial expression showed that he felt guilty. My frustrations made me utter the word “divorce”. I forgave him four years ago but had warned him that if it happened again, I would go ahead with the divorce.
We now sleep in separate rooms as I cannot bear to be in the same bed as the man who has betrayed me. The sight of him makes me sick and angry. I don’t know how long I can tolerate this. I have made up my mind to end it with this man whom I have been married to for 27 years. We will be going for a vacation next month, but since this happened, will I be strong enough to go?
Depressed Again
BETRAYAL is a bitter pill to swallow, but after 27 years of marriage, are you truly ready to call it quits to stop the pain? Or do you love this man enough to give him this last chance, for his denial means he does not want to end this marriage?
When you discovered his affair a few years ago, you must have felt and behaved differently towards him. You couldn’t trust him and were suspicious of his every action. Many women find it hard to feel passion and love after such betrayal. Inadvertently, there will be changes and the marriage actually suffers more. The parties either try too hard or retreat into a cold, indifferent shell. If the love is not strong enough to forge forgiveness, then the marriage becomes a sham.
If you feel strongly about divorce, then seek legal advice. It is timely to also plan for your future. You need friends and family for support. Keep busy so you do not feel alone and lonely. Are you financially independent? Search the Internet to get in touch with support groups.
Be careful that you do not end up angry, frustrated and bitter. If you feel any love left for your husband, take the vacation with him. Be prepared to listen. It has come to a point when angry words, accusations and reproach will not help.
Be fair. Have you truly given your man the chance after the affair or did you turn your heart away from him? A cold, empty marriage is hardly grounds for a warm, passionate reconciliation. Decide after you have explored every possibility. Love should not end on such a painful and bitter note.
I LAST wrote to you in 2004 as “Depressed” (letter published in November 2004) about my cheating husband. He is now seeing someone again.
I have discovered little pieces of strong evidence that prove he has been having an unwanted affair, and when I confronted him, as expected, he denied everything. He said nothing but his facial expression showed that he felt guilty. My frustrations made me utter the word “divorce”. I forgave him four years ago but had warned him that if it happened again, I would go ahead with the divorce.
We now sleep in separate rooms as I cannot bear to be in the same bed as the man who has betrayed me. The sight of him makes me sick and angry. I don’t know how long I can tolerate this. I have made up my mind to end it with this man whom I have been married to for 27 years. We will be going for a vacation next month, but since this happened, will I be strong enough to go?
Depressed Again
BETRAYAL is a bitter pill to swallow, but after 27 years of marriage, are you truly ready to call it quits to stop the pain? Or do you love this man enough to give him this last chance, for his denial means he does not want to end this marriage?
When you discovered his affair a few years ago, you must have felt and behaved differently towards him. You couldn’t trust him and were suspicious of his every action. Many women find it hard to feel passion and love after such betrayal. Inadvertently, there will be changes and the marriage actually suffers more. The parties either try too hard or retreat into a cold, indifferent shell. If the love is not strong enough to forge forgiveness, then the marriage becomes a sham.
If you feel strongly about divorce, then seek legal advice. It is timely to also plan for your future. You need friends and family for support. Keep busy so you do not feel alone and lonely. Are you financially independent? Search the Internet to get in touch with support groups.
Be careful that you do not end up angry, frustrated and bitter. If you feel any love left for your husband, take the vacation with him. Be prepared to listen. It has come to a point when angry words, accusations and reproach will not help.
Be fair. Have you truly given your man the chance after the affair or did you turn your heart away from him? A cold, empty marriage is hardly grounds for a warm, passionate reconciliation. Decide after you have explored every possibility. Love should not end on such a painful and bitter note.
Unwanted affairs are not worth it, for the sufferings it caused, the mistrust it has created.
confusing reign
Reading the story, I feel sad. I dont believe that they are doing is right. If you are a man, be a man. Man and woman have their own role to play.
For thousands of years we know the rule. How come, when we are better off, we forget the direction.
.......................................................................
A few years back, I was studying in a college with B. She only hangs out with girls and is an outgoing person. Everyone called her B but she was not bothered as she was very smart.
We didn’t mix much, just nodding our heads when we bumped into each other on campus. After our college days, we parted and went different ways. With my exam results I couldn’t get a very decent job so I decided to become a computer salesman.
One day I walked into a big firm to sell my stuff, and there was B holding a big post. She recognised me straight away and asked me out for a drink at night. I met up with her and she offered me a job – to be her “wife” and take care of things at home! In case it’s not clear, I am a guy.
B offered me a four-figure salary, free accommodation, a car and other perks. I asked her why, and she said she dislikes men, but she had to be married (and stay married) to get her inheritance.
B said I fit the bill because I look kinda girlish (I am slim, tall and only slightly muscular) and that’s precisely what she likes.
After a few meetings with B, we settled on the payment, and she gave me an advance on that four-figure salary. Later, we got ourselves registered so that B could get her inheritance money credited into her account every month.
Initially, I didn’t sleep with B because she would always be sleeping with her girlfriends in the master bedroom.
Everything was going fine for one year. Then B told me that her girlfriends didn’t like men in the house, and so B asked me to become a “she-male”. After some thought, I agreed and started wearing women’s clothes. After taking hormone pills for some time, I now even have size 32 breasts.
With my tall, slim frame, I really look feminine and very beautiful. No one will guess I am a man. Now I sleep with B in the room and with her girlfriends.
A few years have passed. B and I have a wonderful relationship and we don’t have children. We are very well off and my bank balance is fat because I dont spend money at all. Meanwhile, B just banks money into my account.
The problem now is that B wants me to have a sex change operation. B says she will pay for it as she has fallen in love with me. I do not want to do that. I love the way I am now. But I also love B very much.
I just don’t know if what I am doing is right or wrong and I don’t know where this relationship is headed. Will it end one day like a contract? Should I go for the sex change operation?
For thousands of years we know the rule. How come, when we are better off, we forget the direction.
.......................................................................
A few years back, I was studying in a college with B. She only hangs out with girls and is an outgoing person. Everyone called her B but she was not bothered as she was very smart.
We didn’t mix much, just nodding our heads when we bumped into each other on campus. After our college days, we parted and went different ways. With my exam results I couldn’t get a very decent job so I decided to become a computer salesman.
One day I walked into a big firm to sell my stuff, and there was B holding a big post. She recognised me straight away and asked me out for a drink at night. I met up with her and she offered me a job – to be her “wife” and take care of things at home! In case it’s not clear, I am a guy.
B offered me a four-figure salary, free accommodation, a car and other perks. I asked her why, and she said she dislikes men, but she had to be married (and stay married) to get her inheritance.
B said I fit the bill because I look kinda girlish (I am slim, tall and only slightly muscular) and that’s precisely what she likes.
After a few meetings with B, we settled on the payment, and she gave me an advance on that four-figure salary. Later, we got ourselves registered so that B could get her inheritance money credited into her account every month.
Initially, I didn’t sleep with B because she would always be sleeping with her girlfriends in the master bedroom.
Everything was going fine for one year. Then B told me that her girlfriends didn’t like men in the house, and so B asked me to become a “she-male”. After some thought, I agreed and started wearing women’s clothes. After taking hormone pills for some time, I now even have size 32 breasts.
With my tall, slim frame, I really look feminine and very beautiful. No one will guess I am a man. Now I sleep with B in the room and with her girlfriends.
A few years have passed. B and I have a wonderful relationship and we don’t have children. We are very well off and my bank balance is fat because I dont spend money at all. Meanwhile, B just banks money into my account.
The problem now is that B wants me to have a sex change operation. B says she will pay for it as she has fallen in love with me. I do not want to do that. I love the way I am now. But I also love B very much.
I just don’t know if what I am doing is right or wrong and I don’t know where this relationship is headed. Will it end one day like a contract? Should I go for the sex change operation?
true romance
We the girl was young, she was an idealist, she believed in the true romance. The tall and dark prince, will came to ask for her hand in marriage and the will gallop to the sunset and live happily ever after.
That is the story from the distant past, the truth is, despite the wild imagination and the dreams of the young peoples in love, relationship often hit turbulence.
May be Andrew can share his side of the story...
------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday February 1, 2009
True romance
By ANDREW SIA
WHAT is “romantic” love? And why does it so often turn into hate when things go wrong? Strangely enough, a celibate monk had some answers.
Now, how would a man feel if his girlfriend left him for his best friend? This was the question posed about two years ago – in a talk entitled “What is love?” – by Ajahn Brahms, a British Buddhist monk.
Of course, we all know that most men would be incandescent with a Molotov cocktail of rage, jealousy and betrayal tipped perhaps with a sparkling fuse of self-pity. Yet, this monk challenged his listeners: If that man truly loved his girlfriend, and was willing to do anything (that’s what they all say, no?) for her happiness, shouldn’t he be over-joyed that she had found contentment, albeit with somebody else? In fact, he should be doubly happy that his best friend had also discovered bliss!
Easier said than done certainly. Yet Brahms, who was originally trained at Cambridge University as a quantum physicist, pointed out that most of what we call romantic love is actually selfish love which can be translated as: “I love you for the ‘high’ that you give me.”
In contrast, there is true love, which says, “I love you, and want the best for you, no matter what”. This, he explained, is the kind of selfless love that a mother might give her children.
The Malaysian equivalent would be unconditional love for the son who does not score ten A1’s in his SPM or the daughter who shacks up with a Nigerian dealing in counterfeit currency!
Maybe in the old days one could “monitor” and “manage” a partner’s behaviour to ensure he or she did not stray. But nowadays, when people can flirt and cyber-fornicate through SMS, e-mails, instant messenger (perhaps even stripping on webcam!) and social networking sites – as I, a tech-dinosaur, once discovered to my chagrin – it’s open season for all.
Unless, you lock up your women at home Taliban-style without allowing them to even pick up the phone – but such insecurity and control are surely all about “possession” and “ownership”, not love.
I had a glimpse of what true love was about once in my life. Years ago, not only was my girlfriend two timing me, but, in a bizarre twist, I was even staying at the guy’s flat in Singapore! Oh what an explosive, miserable Molotov cocktail of emotions that was.
And strangely, when I opened my Bible, desperate for guidance, God (I felt) had the audacity to have me read James chapter one, which told me to rejoice! For I was like silver ore being refined through a white-hot furnace into shiny metal.
Yet, after a week of praying, the answer to my agony came: That I should simply practise true, unconditional love. Indeed, I recalled the verse: “Love keeps no record of wrongs”.
In a flash of insight, I realised, that if I really loved her, as I claimed and declared, I should be happy that she had found happiness, even in the arms of another man. It was a miracle, but the whole weight of anger, jealousy and self-loathing was instantly lifted off my shoulders. I felt buoyant, joyous and liberated.
Yes, true love is liberating and soul-nurturing. But it needs to be consciously cultivated, practised and nurtured. Just as it’s not easy to love one’s enemy, it’s all too easy to slip back into old habits of selfishness or emotional dependency.
I myself have paid the price, once ending up in a relationship of such intense “love” and hate, such neediness yet loathing, that we broke up and patched up several times within three months.
It was, in the jargon of psychology, the classic “co-dependent” relationship, where both parties feel an inner void that they seek to fill in the other – and blame the other when either one is dissatisfied.
Or course that was not love. Instead, I had become my own parody of a Dear Thelma story, the kind you read about (and I sometimes laugh at in sheer disbelief, shame on me) in StarMag’s Heart & Soul pages.
In short, I am still finding my way. I have seen the exquisite, soaring North Star, yet my feet on earth are still all too human and stumbling over sand, soil and mud. But I am thankful for the compass that my past experiences, both wretched and exultant, has given me on this journey.
More stories:
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I believe true romance really exist. But love and responsibility always come together, and it is not for ourself that we love the partner, but for the wellbeing of the future generation
That is the story from the distant past, the truth is, despite the wild imagination and the dreams of the young peoples in love, relationship often hit turbulence.
May be Andrew can share his side of the story...
------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday February 1, 2009
True romance
By ANDREW SIA
WHAT is “romantic” love? And why does it so often turn into hate when things go wrong? Strangely enough, a celibate monk had some answers.
Now, how would a man feel if his girlfriend left him for his best friend? This was the question posed about two years ago – in a talk entitled “What is love?” – by Ajahn Brahms, a British Buddhist monk.
Of course, we all know that most men would be incandescent with a Molotov cocktail of rage, jealousy and betrayal tipped perhaps with a sparkling fuse of self-pity. Yet, this monk challenged his listeners: If that man truly loved his girlfriend, and was willing to do anything (that’s what they all say, no?) for her happiness, shouldn’t he be over-joyed that she had found contentment, albeit with somebody else? In fact, he should be doubly happy that his best friend had also discovered bliss!
Easier said than done certainly. Yet Brahms, who was originally trained at Cambridge University as a quantum physicist, pointed out that most of what we call romantic love is actually selfish love which can be translated as: “I love you for the ‘high’ that you give me.”
In contrast, there is true love, which says, “I love you, and want the best for you, no matter what”. This, he explained, is the kind of selfless love that a mother might give her children.
The Malaysian equivalent would be unconditional love for the son who does not score ten A1’s in his SPM or the daughter who shacks up with a Nigerian dealing in counterfeit currency!
Maybe in the old days one could “monitor” and “manage” a partner’s behaviour to ensure he or she did not stray. But nowadays, when people can flirt and cyber-fornicate through SMS, e-mails, instant messenger (perhaps even stripping on webcam!) and social networking sites – as I, a tech-dinosaur, once discovered to my chagrin – it’s open season for all.
Unless, you lock up your women at home Taliban-style without allowing them to even pick up the phone – but such insecurity and control are surely all about “possession” and “ownership”, not love.
I had a glimpse of what true love was about once in my life. Years ago, not only was my girlfriend two timing me, but, in a bizarre twist, I was even staying at the guy’s flat in Singapore! Oh what an explosive, miserable Molotov cocktail of emotions that was.
And strangely, when I opened my Bible, desperate for guidance, God (I felt) had the audacity to have me read James chapter one, which told me to rejoice! For I was like silver ore being refined through a white-hot furnace into shiny metal.
Yet, after a week of praying, the answer to my agony came: That I should simply practise true, unconditional love. Indeed, I recalled the verse: “Love keeps no record of wrongs”.
In a flash of insight, I realised, that if I really loved her, as I claimed and declared, I should be happy that she had found happiness, even in the arms of another man. It was a miracle, but the whole weight of anger, jealousy and self-loathing was instantly lifted off my shoulders. I felt buoyant, joyous and liberated.
Yes, true love is liberating and soul-nurturing. But it needs to be consciously cultivated, practised and nurtured. Just as it’s not easy to love one’s enemy, it’s all too easy to slip back into old habits of selfishness or emotional dependency.
I myself have paid the price, once ending up in a relationship of such intense “love” and hate, such neediness yet loathing, that we broke up and patched up several times within three months.
It was, in the jargon of psychology, the classic “co-dependent” relationship, where both parties feel an inner void that they seek to fill in the other – and blame the other when either one is dissatisfied.
Or course that was not love. Instead, I had become my own parody of a Dear Thelma story, the kind you read about (and I sometimes laugh at in sheer disbelief, shame on me) in StarMag’s Heart & Soul pages.
In short, I am still finding my way. I have seen the exquisite, soaring North Star, yet my feet on earth are still all too human and stumbling over sand, soil and mud. But I am thankful for the compass that my past experiences, both wretched and exultant, has given me on this journey.
More stories:
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I believe true romance really exist. But love and responsibility always come together, and it is not for ourself that we love the partner, but for the wellbeing of the future generation
Saturday, January 9, 2010
wife having affair
Sunday January 10, 2010
Hubby strangles wife’s lover and buries body in field
PETALING JAYA: A love triangle ended in tragedy when a man killed his wife’s boyfriend and later buried the body in a field in Kinrara.
The victim, a bus conductor, is believed to have been killed after he was lured by the husband and his three friends to discuss the love affair at about 11pm yesterday.
During the meeting, the husband is believed to have strangled the victim out of rage when the latter confirmed the affair.
Following a public tip-off, police nabbed the four men, aged between 30 and 40, at about 3am.
Investigations led them to the buried body in a field in Taman Damai Utama, Kinrara.
Police discovered strangulation marks around the victim’s neck and a severe blow to the back of his head with a blunt object.
Selangor deputy CID chief Asst Comm Omar Mamah confirmed the murder and the arrests.
Hubby strangles wife’s lover and buries body in field
PETALING JAYA: A love triangle ended in tragedy when a man killed his wife’s boyfriend and later buried the body in a field in Kinrara.
The victim, a bus conductor, is believed to have been killed after he was lured by the husband and his three friends to discuss the love affair at about 11pm yesterday.
During the meeting, the husband is believed to have strangled the victim out of rage when the latter confirmed the affair.
Following a public tip-off, police nabbed the four men, aged between 30 and 40, at about 3am.
Investigations led them to the buried body in a field in Taman Damai Utama, Kinrara.
Police discovered strangulation marks around the victim’s neck and a severe blow to the back of his head with a blunt object.
Selangor deputy CID chief Asst Comm Omar Mamah confirmed the murder and the arrests.
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