unsure lovers

day February 22, 2009
She loves him, she loves him not...


I AM a 30-year-old woman. I married X three years ago, but we divorced after a year. He had many problems, which included gambling and drinking.

However, he is actually a good person deep down. We divorced because his drinking and gambling problems worsened and he didn’t want to change his ways.

Also, he had a relationship with a colleague (although he denies it till today). I knew he was sad that we divorced as I saw him crying the day he signed the divorce papers.

I was devastated too, as we were together for close to seven years, but I could not take his bad habits any longer.

Some time after the divorce, I met A. He is everything that X is not. They are total opposites.

While A does not have the problems that X had, A is not very nice towards my family. He is polite, but does not care for my family as much as X did.

However, he loves me very much. I married A a year ago. A is always very concerned about my emotional feelings and always tries to make me happy.

I know it is wrong for me to compare the two of them but I miss many of the things that X used to do for me. I do not meet X anymore but I sometimes email him when I am feeling lonely and depressed.

A does not know about this. I feel very guilty. Recently, my would-be anniversary with X passed and I couldn’t help but reminisce about him and our relationship. I missed him so much, and I cried and was depressed for many days.

I am still depressed, and still think of him, and I can’t help but wonder whether I made the right step by divorcing him. I am happy with A, but I still miss X.

How do I forget X and live in my present and not the past? I know I should be focusing on my life with A now.

I think of all the bad things X had done to me and his unwillingness to change but a part of me still says that it was a mistake to leave him.

Please help me, Thelma. I am so depressed and my condition is affecting my relationship with A.

JML

UNLESS you are considering leaving A for your ex, stop your dreams and reminisces. Rationally, you know it’s wrong and unfair to be constantly thinking of X when A loves you so much.

Face the truth. Can you be forever happy with a man who gambles and drinks? You have tried changing X’s ways but failed.

You chose to divorce him but felt guilty and remorseful for causing him pain and tears.

You seem to regret your decision and this is a mistake. You now allow the best of X to dominate your heart and mind while A gets the blame for not being as nice and close to your family. The poor fellow does not even know his crime.

Don’t mess up because you feel sorry and guilty about X. A loves you but you should not expect him to shower love, warmth and attention on your family.

He didn’t marry all of them. Harping on niggling issues is picking on bones. You haven’t given A time and opportunity to grow close to your loved ones.

How could you put this as a fault big enough to allow X back into your life?

Don’t be a fool of the moment and destroy a lifetime of happiness. Stop the emails, try to avoid X for now. He is a distraction you do not need. Concentrate on your marriage, give it the priority it deserves.

It’s fine to maintain a relationship with your ex but it should not be a secret. When you have to lie, your marriage is in jeopardy.