Sunday April 26, 2009
Squeezed out
MY fiancee and I are both 31 and we’ve been dating for two years. We are totally comfortable with each other and I love him dearly.
He proposed last November and I accepted. Since then, we’ve been making arrangements for our wedding at the end of this year.
In the last few months, he has been overwhelmed with work and we’ve spent less time together. In fact, he works 24/7 and whatever little time he has, he likes to catch up on his sleep. He does squeeze me in occasionally and inevitably I’d sacrifice anything to be with him.
There have been occasions when he spends time with his male friends, which is totally acceptable. The real issue is that we have not been intimate for the past four months. It really troubles me and I am not sure if this is normal. I feel a sense of frustration and, as a result, get into arguments with him over trivial things.
I keep making excuses for him to give him the benefit of the doubt, such as stress and work pressure. Then how come he has such a good time with his friends? I tell myself things will be different once we live together post-marriage.
I do not want to speak to him about this as I want him to be intimate based on his feelings for me. But it hasn’t been happening. Is this how it’s going to be after marriage? Has he lost interest? Am I being taken for granted? Am I being neglected? Am I making a fuss over nothing?
I’m on the verge of giving up on marriage, and he seems totally unaware about the way I feel. I am shy about raising this delicate and sensitive topic.
Unhappy
THIS is not the time to be shy. You are planning marriage to a guy who cannot find the time to be intimate with you for four months. Something is not right and you have every right to ask.
You do not want to be squeezed in occasionally, when he feels like it. It is insulting and demeaning. While you are a sweet, magnanimous person who believes in giving this guy space and time out with his buddies, you need love and assurance too. After the marriage proposal, the man has been in hiding, playing it cool. So he’s busy and tired, but work rarely goes on 24/7, unless he is a machine working for an organisation that works its employees to death.
Do not bother with excuses. Tell him exactly how you feel. You are on the verge of walking away from this relationship. Planning a wedding when he is behaving like a jerk is a waste of your time. You love him but you will not tolerate such irresponsible behaviour. He seems to be pushing you out of his life, forcing your hand to call it quits. Why must he resort to such cowardly ways?
If he loves you, he will need you always – when he’s happy, sad, under pressure, or stressed out of his mind.
Love is about sharing the good and the bad. You are being neglected big-time and making a fuss is probably the only way you will get heard. It is not sensitive and delicate when your future is at stake. Do you see a lifetime with this guy?
Give him a chance to talk. You want to know if he still cares enough. If he cannot convince you now, call off the wedding.
Dear Thelma
Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.
> Write to: Dear Thelma, c/o StarMag, Menara Star, No. 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya or e-mail: starmag-thelma@thestar.com.my.
Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym if you wish. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column.
The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Oily dilemma
Sunday April 26, 2009
I’VE been living with this girl for over a decade. Lately, she has been applying olive oil and vinegar over her whole body before going to bed. I have talked to her about the rancid smell in our bedroom and the strong odour from her body.
One night, I couldn’t bear it any longer and opened the windows. She could not bear the discomfort of not having airconditioning, so she slept in the spare bedroom.
I recall the letter by Seeking Faith (‘Tough love’, Heart & Soul, March 8), who mentioned that her parents don’t sleep in the same bedroom. Is this how it starts? One of the partners moves to the spare room following a disagreement, never to come back?
This lasted a couple of nights until we had a serious discussion, after which we made up. She agreed not to add the vinegar, but the smell is still there. It prevents me from giving her our usual goodnight kiss. It is a turn-off and we sleep without touching each other every night.
I know olive oil is good for the skin. I’ve tried applying it on my face but it does not help our situation. I have decided to leave the windows open for ventilation for now.
But one of us sleeping in the spare bedroom is not the solution ‑ might as well move out. We have no kids and there are no other complications. How do I find counsellors who can advise us both?
Olive Oil
YOU don’t need counsellors. Just good sense and compromise should do. Anyway, who wants to sleep with greasy olive oil?
While love supports tolerance and patience, perhaps your gal is stretching her beauty routine a bit far. If it means sleeping in separate rooms, you should be heard.
Frankly, you have been great. Using the same gunk to share her experience marks you as one of the best fellows a woman could find. If your gal doesn’t appreciate this, then vanity has become a vice.
She should really know better than to risk your love. No touching, no hugs and no kisses during the night spell impending doom. Passion has waned, romance has been doused. Sleeping in the spare room is telling a lover to split.
It’s time you tell her the truth rather than try to pretend love is still sweet, albeit oily. Maybe she is silly and unaware. Or perhaps she is taking too much for granted.
There are many ways to maintain good skin and you may want to suggest that she tries alternative treatments. Offer to pay for a course or some less sticky option. Tell her she is lovely and does not need to follow magazine tips. Or buy a magazine that gives better tips.
It’s obvious that you love and pamper her. But better to lay down the rules than suffer hurt and heartbreak when love seeps away.
Dear Thelma
Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.
> Write to: Dear Thelma, c/o StarMag, Menara Star, No. 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya or e-mail: starmag-thelma@thestar.com.my.
Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym if you wish. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column.
The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.
I’VE been living with this girl for over a decade. Lately, she has been applying olive oil and vinegar over her whole body before going to bed. I have talked to her about the rancid smell in our bedroom and the strong odour from her body.
One night, I couldn’t bear it any longer and opened the windows. She could not bear the discomfort of not having airconditioning, so she slept in the spare bedroom.
I recall the letter by Seeking Faith (‘Tough love’, Heart & Soul, March 8), who mentioned that her parents don’t sleep in the same bedroom. Is this how it starts? One of the partners moves to the spare room following a disagreement, never to come back?
This lasted a couple of nights until we had a serious discussion, after which we made up. She agreed not to add the vinegar, but the smell is still there. It prevents me from giving her our usual goodnight kiss. It is a turn-off and we sleep without touching each other every night.
I know olive oil is good for the skin. I’ve tried applying it on my face but it does not help our situation. I have decided to leave the windows open for ventilation for now.
But one of us sleeping in the spare bedroom is not the solution ‑ might as well move out. We have no kids and there are no other complications. How do I find counsellors who can advise us both?
Olive Oil
YOU don’t need counsellors. Just good sense and compromise should do. Anyway, who wants to sleep with greasy olive oil?
While love supports tolerance and patience, perhaps your gal is stretching her beauty routine a bit far. If it means sleeping in separate rooms, you should be heard.
Frankly, you have been great. Using the same gunk to share her experience marks you as one of the best fellows a woman could find. If your gal doesn’t appreciate this, then vanity has become a vice.
She should really know better than to risk your love. No touching, no hugs and no kisses during the night spell impending doom. Passion has waned, romance has been doused. Sleeping in the spare room is telling a lover to split.
It’s time you tell her the truth rather than try to pretend love is still sweet, albeit oily. Maybe she is silly and unaware. Or perhaps she is taking too much for granted.
There are many ways to maintain good skin and you may want to suggest that she tries alternative treatments. Offer to pay for a course or some less sticky option. Tell her she is lovely and does not need to follow magazine tips. Or buy a magazine that gives better tips.
It’s obvious that you love and pamper her. But better to lay down the rules than suffer hurt and heartbreak when love seeps away.
Dear Thelma
Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.
> Write to: Dear Thelma, c/o StarMag, Menara Star, No. 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya or e-mail: starmag-thelma@thestar.com.my.
Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym if you wish. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column.
The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
mending relationship number 2
Sunday April 19, 2009
The better man will win
Dear Thelma
I AM a 30-year-old man who broke up with my first and only girlfriend nine years ago.
Six months ago, I met a girl, C, at a friend’s party. She did not really talk to me at first as she found me stand-offish. Over the following months, we met mostly through group outings and somehow my feelings for her grew. Recently, we had a chance to be alone and I confessed my feelings to her.
I did this despite knowing that she already has a boyfriend, whom she has been going out since her college days. Their relationship is mature, they have even bought a house together, although she has turned down his offer of marriage, claiming she’s not ready for it
Surprisingly, after I expressed my feelings, she did not reject me outright. She told me that she too had grown to be fond of me. Happily, we decided to give things a try and she alternates between seeing me and her boyfriend.
During times of guilt, she’s asked to break our relationship but I have told her that she should not rush this matter.
She’s in a dilemma and doesn’t know who to choose – someone who’s she known for many years or a new love. I’ve tried to assure her that her feelings for me are genuine else she would not have reciprocated my love.
I only worry that she will end up choosing her current boyfriend only for the sake of convenience. How do I convince her that she has to trust her heart and put faith in my ability to be the right life partner for her?
I have no feelings for anyone but her and the thought of losing my fated love now haunts me. Do you see a happy ending in this for both of us?
Daydreamer
YOUR girlfriend will have to make the ultimate decision. She knows very well that she can’t have both men.
Her mind probably tells her to stick with her guy. After so many years together, sharing house and home, she almost has a marriage.
But then you came into her life and you brought excitement, attention, love and thrill.
You understand her well and do not want to pressure her into a decision. Yet, you seem to have accepted the inevitable, that she will leave you eventually.
With this attitude, you will surely lose your gal. Think before you give up.
If she has been truly happy with her guy, would she have allowed herself into this situation?
Two timing is very stressful because it involves lies, deceit, manipulation and deviousness.
If this woman is of such character, then you should be the first to leave. But if you believe that she is with you because she is having doubts about her relationship, then you have hope.
If your love is so strong after knowing her for only six months, then go on fighting.
Ask for time, create opportunities for this relationship to develop and strengthen. Persuade her with love, sincerity and persistence. Do not allow fear, doubts and placid acceptance to rule your mind.
Love has no enemy. When she has to decide, the better man should win
The better man will win
Dear Thelma
I AM a 30-year-old man who broke up with my first and only girlfriend nine years ago.
Six months ago, I met a girl, C, at a friend’s party. She did not really talk to me at first as she found me stand-offish. Over the following months, we met mostly through group outings and somehow my feelings for her grew. Recently, we had a chance to be alone and I confessed my feelings to her.
I did this despite knowing that she already has a boyfriend, whom she has been going out since her college days. Their relationship is mature, they have even bought a house together, although she has turned down his offer of marriage, claiming she’s not ready for it
Surprisingly, after I expressed my feelings, she did not reject me outright. She told me that she too had grown to be fond of me. Happily, we decided to give things a try and she alternates between seeing me and her boyfriend.
During times of guilt, she’s asked to break our relationship but I have told her that she should not rush this matter.
She’s in a dilemma and doesn’t know who to choose – someone who’s she known for many years or a new love. I’ve tried to assure her that her feelings for me are genuine else she would not have reciprocated my love.
I only worry that she will end up choosing her current boyfriend only for the sake of convenience. How do I convince her that she has to trust her heart and put faith in my ability to be the right life partner for her?
I have no feelings for anyone but her and the thought of losing my fated love now haunts me. Do you see a happy ending in this for both of us?
Daydreamer
YOUR girlfriend will have to make the ultimate decision. She knows very well that she can’t have both men.
Her mind probably tells her to stick with her guy. After so many years together, sharing house and home, she almost has a marriage.
But then you came into her life and you brought excitement, attention, love and thrill.
You understand her well and do not want to pressure her into a decision. Yet, you seem to have accepted the inevitable, that she will leave you eventually.
With this attitude, you will surely lose your gal. Think before you give up.
If she has been truly happy with her guy, would she have allowed herself into this situation?
Two timing is very stressful because it involves lies, deceit, manipulation and deviousness.
If this woman is of such character, then you should be the first to leave. But if you believe that she is with you because she is having doubts about her relationship, then you have hope.
If your love is so strong after knowing her for only six months, then go on fighting.
Ask for time, create opportunities for this relationship to develop and strengthen. Persuade her with love, sincerity and persistence. Do not allow fear, doubts and placid acceptance to rule your mind.
Love has no enemy. When she has to decide, the better man should win
mending relationship
Sunday April 19, 2009
Wrecked by anger
I’M a 22-year-old local university undergraduate in my third year of study. It has been almost two months now since I broke up with my girlfriend.
We were together for more than a year before our relationship ended. We were both so unhappy at that time and we hada lot of arguments over petty matters.
We tried to sort out our differences many times before but the problem would always end up resurfacing because of me.
I was so stubborn and unwilling to change my ways. I am the cause of so much hurt to her. Every time we argued, I would always let my emotions and rage get the better of me. It would be like a debate, and I was never willing to give in, even when I knew I was wrong.
More often than not, I would raise my voice and utter words so sharp that it could have shattered her heart into pieces. Sometimes, I would run away and leave her alone in tears after an argument.
However, as I calmed down, I would realise how horrible my actions were and would try to patch things up. She would forgive me, because she loved me, and believed that I would eventually change.
I only realised how much I loved her after we broke up. She was such a wonderful, tolerant and understanding girlfriend and I don’t know how I could have pushed her out of my life.
I really regret all of the heartache I brought her. Although we decided to remain friends, at times, she treats me coldly and my heart aches with pain.
I have tried to let go but thoughts of her still keep coming back. I know I don’t deserve a second chance but I just can’t stop loving her. I’m so miserable and lonely now.
Silly Hamster
IF you are still friends, then perhaps she is cold due to disappointment and anger. Sure, you have hurt her but have you tried harder to make amends?
This girl must care a lot to have forgiven you so many times. While you have accepted all the blame, where is your sincerity? Time and again, you allowed your temper to control you. Regrets make feeble apologies if you never tried to be a better person.
Emotional abuse often leads to physical assault. The feeling of power and control can be heady and addictive. If you truly love her, wouldn’t you be able to hold your emotion and temper in check?
You are a bully and a coward. You love this woman but you never tried to stop the abuse. You claim misery and loneliness now but you do not have the courage to change and beg for another chance.
If you cannot help yourself, you do not deserve love and forgiveness.
Wrecked by anger
I’M a 22-year-old local university undergraduate in my third year of study. It has been almost two months now since I broke up with my girlfriend.
We were together for more than a year before our relationship ended. We were both so unhappy at that time and we hada lot of arguments over petty matters.
We tried to sort out our differences many times before but the problem would always end up resurfacing because of me.
I was so stubborn and unwilling to change my ways. I am the cause of so much hurt to her. Every time we argued, I would always let my emotions and rage get the better of me. It would be like a debate, and I was never willing to give in, even when I knew I was wrong.
More often than not, I would raise my voice and utter words so sharp that it could have shattered her heart into pieces. Sometimes, I would run away and leave her alone in tears after an argument.
However, as I calmed down, I would realise how horrible my actions were and would try to patch things up. She would forgive me, because she loved me, and believed that I would eventually change.
I only realised how much I loved her after we broke up. She was such a wonderful, tolerant and understanding girlfriend and I don’t know how I could have pushed her out of my life.
I really regret all of the heartache I brought her. Although we decided to remain friends, at times, she treats me coldly and my heart aches with pain.
I have tried to let go but thoughts of her still keep coming back. I know I don’t deserve a second chance but I just can’t stop loving her. I’m so miserable and lonely now.
Silly Hamster
IF you are still friends, then perhaps she is cold due to disappointment and anger. Sure, you have hurt her but have you tried harder to make amends?
This girl must care a lot to have forgiven you so many times. While you have accepted all the blame, where is your sincerity? Time and again, you allowed your temper to control you. Regrets make feeble apologies if you never tried to be a better person.
Emotional abuse often leads to physical assault. The feeling of power and control can be heady and addictive. If you truly love her, wouldn’t you be able to hold your emotion and temper in check?
You are a bully and a coward. You love this woman but you never tried to stop the abuse. You claim misery and loneliness now but you do not have the courage to change and beg for another chance.
If you cannot help yourself, you do not deserve love and forgiveness.
cheating wife
unday April 19, 2009
Love or fun on the side?
I AM a married woman with four kids. I have been married for 11 years to a man who doesn’t show any responsibility.
I am 30 years old now and have fallen in love with another guy. He is from Penang and is also a married man with five kids.
We both know that our relationship cannot continue long term since both of us have our own families, but at the same time, we can’t ignore the deep love we have for each other.
We have met three times and I can’t break it up just like that because our feelings will kill us. Please advise.
An Affair
IF you want to continue with the affair, be prepared to lose your husband, children and suffer the consequences of your behaviour.
You have four children and your life might have been full of drudgery and boredom when you could have enjoyed your youth and beauty. Things were normal, unexciting and filled with chores and regularities until you met your lover.
This man probably provoked your latent feelings of sexuality and adventure. It must feel so exciting, exhilarating and thrilling to enjoy a relationship on the sly. Perhaps this guy is also suffering marriage fatigue. Sharing a romantic interlude, without commitment or obligation, must feel wonderfully liberating.
During these stolen moments, you could both feel young, free and unfettered by the reality of bringing up a family, working and coping with the daily grind.
However, there is too much hurt and pain involved if you both selfishly decide to carry on. Do not be seduced and fooled by your feelings now. If you marry your lover, life will probably go the same way. There will be the children to care for, the house to clean, as you continue to be wife and mother.
An affair is never a solution. If your marriage is the problem, then think of ways to improve your relationship with your husband. Enjoy your children and do not see them as responsibilities and liabilities.
It should not be difficult to forget a man you have met only three times. Be sensible, rational and remember that your family needs you more. Do not fall into a trap of guilt and regrets because it is more difficult to salvage love betrayed
Love or fun on the side?
I AM a married woman with four kids. I have been married for 11 years to a man who doesn’t show any responsibility.
I am 30 years old now and have fallen in love with another guy. He is from Penang and is also a married man with five kids.
We both know that our relationship cannot continue long term since both of us have our own families, but at the same time, we can’t ignore the deep love we have for each other.
We have met three times and I can’t break it up just like that because our feelings will kill us. Please advise.
An Affair
IF you want to continue with the affair, be prepared to lose your husband, children and suffer the consequences of your behaviour.
You have four children and your life might have been full of drudgery and boredom when you could have enjoyed your youth and beauty. Things were normal, unexciting and filled with chores and regularities until you met your lover.
This man probably provoked your latent feelings of sexuality and adventure. It must feel so exciting, exhilarating and thrilling to enjoy a relationship on the sly. Perhaps this guy is also suffering marriage fatigue. Sharing a romantic interlude, without commitment or obligation, must feel wonderfully liberating.
During these stolen moments, you could both feel young, free and unfettered by the reality of bringing up a family, working and coping with the daily grind.
However, there is too much hurt and pain involved if you both selfishly decide to carry on. Do not be seduced and fooled by your feelings now. If you marry your lover, life will probably go the same way. There will be the children to care for, the house to clean, as you continue to be wife and mother.
An affair is never a solution. If your marriage is the problem, then think of ways to improve your relationship with your husband. Enjoy your children and do not see them as responsibilities and liabilities.
It should not be difficult to forget a man you have met only three times. Be sensible, rational and remember that your family needs you more. Do not fall into a trap of guilt and regrets because it is more difficult to salvage love betrayed
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
an unwanted affair - the worst of its kind
But, all these can be a plot in the film, or stories in a magazine created to boost up the sale, until you see for your own eyes, a real life episode, real tears flow, then you are up to 'the affair of the worst kind'.
.... to be continued...
an unwanted affair
You would have thought that famous peoples are choosy. You be up to a big surprise!!! Mr Wood was reported to sting of girls, ranging from a porn star to a pancake house waitress. and the names are kept adding on, bringing the tally to at least nine.
They say that the golfer's wife should remain married for a big payday.....ha..ha.ha...are you saying you will do that for money..where is your pride?? or what is your price.... peanuts??
Tabloids over the weekend named porn star Holly Sampson and pancake waitress Mindy Lawton as two of the names on Tiger's steamy scorecard, raising the question of how Woods would have been able to keep so many affairs secret for so long.
Sampson, 36, is a busty blonde and Los Angeles resident. The star of the films "OMG, Stop Tickling Me" and "Flying Solo 2" has not denied an extramarital affair with the golfer, whose squeaky clean reputation has been tarnished since a bizarre early morning car accident two weeks ago raised questions about the stability of his marriage and was followed by a slew of allegations about alleged affairs.
How did he keep those affair secret...........
I am going to write a best seller.......A sure way to make your affair a secret... tiger tested...hahahha..
unwanted affairs - Once bitten
Sunday March 1, 2009
I HAVE been working in my present company since 2006. I met this girl, SY in August 2006 when she joined the company. She is a nice girl. She lives in our company’s girl hostel. After seeing each other for a long time, I fell in love with this girl. One day, I offered to drive her home from work and she accepted the offer. From that day onwards, I would drive her home every night after work.
After a long time, many people asked me to express my love to her but I was scared. I had many chances to express my feelings, since we always had lunch together as well. Finally, after Chinese New Year 2007, she resigned from the company. Two nights before her last day, I expressed my love to her via SMS because I was too scared to talk to her. After taking a day to reply, she rejected my love because she said that she was not my type ... and my heart broke.
Until now, I still feel sad. Whenever I go to places that I have been out with her before, I will be saddened. This experience has made me scared to express my love to other girls. Thelma, please help me out. I still miss her and it makes me scared to attempt to find a new love in the future.
Scared
IF you continue to be scared, forget love. How did you expect a girl to respond to your sms? No woman would feel secure with a man who does not even have the guts to express his love in person. What was your fear? Rejection? A slap on the face? Think about it and ask yourself the reason for your cowardly behaviour.
You managed to get the gal to ride in your car every night, lunched with you and yet you were afraid to let her know how you felt. When she told you she was not your type, you slunk away without trying to convince her she’s perfect for you.
Frankly, you were a fool. Live like this and you may as well hide in the well. There are so many opportunities for a young man like you but where is the persistence, determination and confidence to fight for what you want?
What have you got to lose by telling a girl you love her? And worse, you dare think that this is the end and you are ‘scared’ to try for love again. Sorry but few can empathise with such a defeatist attitude. No one could fault a guy for trying to find love but no one feels sorry for someone who lacks courage.
If you miss your gal, think of her all the time, what is stopping you from getting in touch with her? Ask her out for lunch, dinner and a movie. Send her flowers, chocolates and stir her heart with passion and sincerity.
If she is truly not interested, stop moping around the places you had shared with her. Move on and get on with living and loving. Never feel sorry for yourself or live with regrets and fear. People who succeed never give up without trying.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)