This is the story of marriage couple who separated after 15 years. So the story went.. the wife must had read a lot of the stories about unfaithful husband, so much so, she became over possessive and at one instant the misunderstanding made them decided to live separately, at least temporarily to cool things down.
However the situation did not come to past unnoticed. A single girl was taking advantage of the situation and started to date the husband. The girl was rather bold, she had been calling the wife and had been pushing the wife to divorce the husband on the pretext that the husband was seeing her. I could imagine the things that the girl was doing in her effort to convince the husband to start his new life with her.
The wife still love her husband and felt bad about what she was doing. Being a professional in her own way, the ego was holding her back and both are waiting for the other to make the first move.
This remind me of my friend, who separated. The husband still love his wife but the ego was holding him as he thought it was the wifes' fault. There was an instant when the husband was hospitalized, and when we visited him, we were surprise that the wife was there to take care of him. Later we heart that the wife married another man. She must had thought it was all over, despite all the signal, the husband did not initiate another move.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Broken Marriage Due To The Other Girl
This is a story about a divorce who was left by her husband for the other girl. It must be very hard for her and she should had feel upset and angry about her former husband. However instead, she is longing for him and seem not be able to forget him.
Now, she had met another man who had shown interest. He is being caring and kind and wanted to get more serious. She is not sure what to do. He heart is divided, between the memory of the past husband and the care of the newly found man.
I wonder what a smart lady like you will do in this situation.
This is what Thelma from Malaysia the star suggested...
Burnt after failed marriage
Dear Thelma
I’M in my late 30s. I got married late but the marriage didn’t last long. We split up due to a third person’s involvement.
The problem is I can’t forget my ex-husband although he has done nothing for me. I keep thinking about him and was very hurt. He has ignored me all this time.
Now I have come to know a man in his early 40s who is caring and listens to my problems. He cares for me and I have fallen in love with him. But I’m afraid to tell him everything that has happened. What should I do?
Confused
YOU are divorced, available and completely free to do as you wish. You do not need to justify love and romance to anyone.
Pining for attention from your ex is not worth your time. Since he has chosen to ignore and forget you, accept that this part of your life is best forgotten. Although it hurts to know that the man you married could be so cold and callous, count your lucky stars that you are not trapped in a heartless marriage.
Pain and humiliation is normal when a relationship fails. Never take on all the guilt and blame. Bear with it and do not allow this to brow beat you to being too timid and fearful to love again.
Fortunately, you have found a good man who is caring and considerate. Do not allow him to slip away because you lack the courage to bare your heart. What have you got to lose? If he is not interested in more than friendship, then at least you know not to waste your hopes. Always have faith in yourself. If you cannot find love, you are not at fault.
Give yourself time and do not be afraid to dream and hope. Love will find you when your heart is free and happy
Monday, June 7, 2010
Losing my happy home
Some time thing did not work as per plan, it does happen to ordinary loving parents. It started well, the husband take care of the family, and the affair take effect step by step, by the time you know it to would be too late to manage your own emotion.
This is the case of this man in the local paper, being new to the company, he thought he can do himself a favor by trying to learn as much from the young widow, unknowingly it went too far.
..... see more of this happening
This is the case of this man in the local paper, being new to the company, he thought he can do himself a favor by trying to learn as much from the young widow, unknowingly it went too far.
..... see more of this happening
I am 36, married, and have three beautiful children. I was in a very happy family. My husband was very close to me and we were a happy-go-lucky couple, often behaving like 20-year olds. We would have sex three to four times a week, went clubbing and had a great time. We shared everything together and his salary would even come straight to me. He didn’t even remember his ATM card number! If he needed money, he would ask me.
We moved to Kuala Lumpur 11 months ago. Things started changing about four months ago. He started to go out with J, a married woman with no children. She has been working at his company for a very long time and knows the system inside out. They started spending a lot of time together.
One day, one of his staff called me and told me that my husband and J were going out together often. I didn’t confront him but a few days ago, when he came back after attending a two-day course project, he accidentally sent a text message to me saying: “I feel very guilty when with my wife. She trusts me so much.”
When I questioned him about it, he didn’t admit anything. After showing him some proof though, he admitted he was having an affair. But he said that he would never leave me and the children, as family comes first. At the same time, he wouldn’t promise me to leave her. Why does he need her too?
I love him more than my children. He comes first and my children come second. He said that KL life is just like that and everybody has a girlfriend. Is this true? I don’t want to share my husband with anybody else.
I said I wanted to leave him but he said he didn’t want me to. Please help me. I am feeling very down.
The children love him very much and until today, he is still good to us. I just cannot accept the fact that he has another woman and have even thought of committing suicide. I love him more than my life and just want things to go back to the way things were before he began his cheating. I don’t know what to do anymore and feel so broken-hearted and lost.
Lost
IF you kill yourself for a cheating husband, you are a greater fool.
When a marriage gets rough, draw solace and strength from the little ones. They need you to be strong. They need a mother who will not give up on life because her husband decided to have an affair. Do not accept a lame excuse that he succumbed to the ‘KL lifestyle’. The painful truth is hard to bear but your man could not resist the lust and passion of a stolen affair. If you allow yourself to sink into depression and hopelessness, then you are not doing yourself justice.
This is the time for rage and anger. There is no excuse for your husband’s behaviour. If J had been a great help at work, you have been the pillar of his home. You are his wife, the mother of his children. You enjoyed great sex together and shared common interests and friends. You had never shirked your responsibilities and have made your home comfortable, warm and wonderful. He may still be good to you and the kids but he has no right to ask that you accept his girlfriend because she loves him too.
Do not allow your husband to coerce and bully you into acceptance. He does not want you to leave but wants to keep her in his life, his bed. Unless you feel that crumbs are better than nothing, fight back when you still have the chance to save your marriage. Perhaps you should even consider getting your husband to get another job if he does not want a divorce. Move back home, away from temptation. Talk to his parents for help and support.
Never back down without trying to get your man. Let him know how much you love him but tell him you are not prepared to allow his affair to continue. If J is married, she too should be worried about the consequences. However, be warned that a man on heat is a devious man. He will shift the blame to you, make you feel inadequate and lacking. You will feel like a failure, the guilty person and responsible for his behaviour.
So be prepared. If he refuses to move and insists on keeping his girlfriend, then consider a plan of action. If you can, get a job. Dress up, put on makeup and look beautiful. Have a life of your own, make your own friends. You need to feel worthy, to build up confidence and self-esteem. If you are financially independent, you will not be so afraid to leave your husband. Work for yourself and your children. Never believe that you will die without this man.
There are couples who manage to get back together after an affair wanes. It takes a lot of heartache and forgiving but some women prefer this to divorce. The journey now is going to be very rough and emotionally draining. You have to be so brave and patient. Whether you leave or stay, you will have to watch your man turn into a selfish, heartless monster. Until he realises how much he stands to lose if he wrecks his own marriage, he will believe that he is not doing anything wrong
So who is paying the price... the whole family and at the end it is not worth it.. that is what my friend had said
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Squeezed out
Sunday April 26, 2009
Squeezed out
MY fiancee and I are both 31 and we’ve been dating for two years. We are totally comfortable with each other and I love him dearly.
He proposed last November and I accepted. Since then, we’ve been making arrangements for our wedding at the end of this year.
In the last few months, he has been overwhelmed with work and we’ve spent less time together. In fact, he works 24/7 and whatever little time he has, he likes to catch up on his sleep. He does squeeze me in occasionally and inevitably I’d sacrifice anything to be with him.
There have been occasions when he spends time with his male friends, which is totally acceptable. The real issue is that we have not been intimate for the past four months. It really troubles me and I am not sure if this is normal. I feel a sense of frustration and, as a result, get into arguments with him over trivial things.
I keep making excuses for him to give him the benefit of the doubt, such as stress and work pressure. Then how come he has such a good time with his friends? I tell myself things will be different once we live together post-marriage.
I do not want to speak to him about this as I want him to be intimate based on his feelings for me. But it hasn’t been happening. Is this how it’s going to be after marriage? Has he lost interest? Am I being taken for granted? Am I being neglected? Am I making a fuss over nothing?
I’m on the verge of giving up on marriage, and he seems totally unaware about the way I feel. I am shy about raising this delicate and sensitive topic.
Unhappy
THIS is not the time to be shy. You are planning marriage to a guy who cannot find the time to be intimate with you for four months. Something is not right and you have every right to ask.
You do not want to be squeezed in occasionally, when he feels like it. It is insulting and demeaning. While you are a sweet, magnanimous person who believes in giving this guy space and time out with his buddies, you need love and assurance too. After the marriage proposal, the man has been in hiding, playing it cool. So he’s busy and tired, but work rarely goes on 24/7, unless he is a machine working for an organisation that works its employees to death.
Do not bother with excuses. Tell him exactly how you feel. You are on the verge of walking away from this relationship. Planning a wedding when he is behaving like a jerk is a waste of your time. You love him but you will not tolerate such irresponsible behaviour. He seems to be pushing you out of his life, forcing your hand to call it quits. Why must he resort to such cowardly ways?
If he loves you, he will need you always – when he’s happy, sad, under pressure, or stressed out of his mind.
Love is about sharing the good and the bad. You are being neglected big-time and making a fuss is probably the only way you will get heard. It is not sensitive and delicate when your future is at stake. Do you see a lifetime with this guy?
Give him a chance to talk. You want to know if he still cares enough. If he cannot convince you now, call off the wedding.
Dear Thelma
Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.
> Write to: Dear Thelma, c/o StarMag, Menara Star, No. 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya or e-mail: starmag-thelma@thestar.com.my.
Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym if you wish. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column.
The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views
Squeezed out
MY fiancee and I are both 31 and we’ve been dating for two years. We are totally comfortable with each other and I love him dearly.
He proposed last November and I accepted. Since then, we’ve been making arrangements for our wedding at the end of this year.
In the last few months, he has been overwhelmed with work and we’ve spent less time together. In fact, he works 24/7 and whatever little time he has, he likes to catch up on his sleep. He does squeeze me in occasionally and inevitably I’d sacrifice anything to be with him.
There have been occasions when he spends time with his male friends, which is totally acceptable. The real issue is that we have not been intimate for the past four months. It really troubles me and I am not sure if this is normal. I feel a sense of frustration and, as a result, get into arguments with him over trivial things.
I keep making excuses for him to give him the benefit of the doubt, such as stress and work pressure. Then how come he has such a good time with his friends? I tell myself things will be different once we live together post-marriage.
I do not want to speak to him about this as I want him to be intimate based on his feelings for me. But it hasn’t been happening. Is this how it’s going to be after marriage? Has he lost interest? Am I being taken for granted? Am I being neglected? Am I making a fuss over nothing?
I’m on the verge of giving up on marriage, and he seems totally unaware about the way I feel. I am shy about raising this delicate and sensitive topic.
Unhappy
THIS is not the time to be shy. You are planning marriage to a guy who cannot find the time to be intimate with you for four months. Something is not right and you have every right to ask.
You do not want to be squeezed in occasionally, when he feels like it. It is insulting and demeaning. While you are a sweet, magnanimous person who believes in giving this guy space and time out with his buddies, you need love and assurance too. After the marriage proposal, the man has been in hiding, playing it cool. So he’s busy and tired, but work rarely goes on 24/7, unless he is a machine working for an organisation that works its employees to death.
Do not bother with excuses. Tell him exactly how you feel. You are on the verge of walking away from this relationship. Planning a wedding when he is behaving like a jerk is a waste of your time. You love him but you will not tolerate such irresponsible behaviour. He seems to be pushing you out of his life, forcing your hand to call it quits. Why must he resort to such cowardly ways?
If he loves you, he will need you always – when he’s happy, sad, under pressure, or stressed out of his mind.
Love is about sharing the good and the bad. You are being neglected big-time and making a fuss is probably the only way you will get heard. It is not sensitive and delicate when your future is at stake. Do you see a lifetime with this guy?
Give him a chance to talk. You want to know if he still cares enough. If he cannot convince you now, call off the wedding.
Dear Thelma
Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.
> Write to: Dear Thelma, c/o StarMag, Menara Star, No. 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya or e-mail: starmag-thelma@thestar.com.my.
Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym if you wish. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column.
The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Oily dilemma
Sunday April 26, 2009
I’VE been living with this girl for over a decade. Lately, she has been applying olive oil and vinegar over her whole body before going to bed. I have talked to her about the rancid smell in our bedroom and the strong odour from her body.
One night, I couldn’t bear it any longer and opened the windows. She could not bear the discomfort of not having airconditioning, so she slept in the spare bedroom.
I recall the letter by Seeking Faith (‘Tough love’, Heart & Soul, March 8), who mentioned that her parents don’t sleep in the same bedroom. Is this how it starts? One of the partners moves to the spare room following a disagreement, never to come back?
This lasted a couple of nights until we had a serious discussion, after which we made up. She agreed not to add the vinegar, but the smell is still there. It prevents me from giving her our usual goodnight kiss. It is a turn-off and we sleep without touching each other every night.
I know olive oil is good for the skin. I’ve tried applying it on my face but it does not help our situation. I have decided to leave the windows open for ventilation for now.
But one of us sleeping in the spare bedroom is not the solution ‑ might as well move out. We have no kids and there are no other complications. How do I find counsellors who can advise us both?
Olive Oil
YOU don’t need counsellors. Just good sense and compromise should do. Anyway, who wants to sleep with greasy olive oil?
While love supports tolerance and patience, perhaps your gal is stretching her beauty routine a bit far. If it means sleeping in separate rooms, you should be heard.
Frankly, you have been great. Using the same gunk to share her experience marks you as one of the best fellows a woman could find. If your gal doesn’t appreciate this, then vanity has become a vice.
She should really know better than to risk your love. No touching, no hugs and no kisses during the night spell impending doom. Passion has waned, romance has been doused. Sleeping in the spare room is telling a lover to split.
It’s time you tell her the truth rather than try to pretend love is still sweet, albeit oily. Maybe she is silly and unaware. Or perhaps she is taking too much for granted.
There are many ways to maintain good skin and you may want to suggest that she tries alternative treatments. Offer to pay for a course or some less sticky option. Tell her she is lovely and does not need to follow magazine tips. Or buy a magazine that gives better tips.
It’s obvious that you love and pamper her. But better to lay down the rules than suffer hurt and heartbreak when love seeps away.
Dear Thelma
Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.
> Write to: Dear Thelma, c/o StarMag, Menara Star, No. 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya or e-mail: starmag-thelma@thestar.com.my.
Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym if you wish. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column.
The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.
I’VE been living with this girl for over a decade. Lately, she has been applying olive oil and vinegar over her whole body before going to bed. I have talked to her about the rancid smell in our bedroom and the strong odour from her body.
One night, I couldn’t bear it any longer and opened the windows. She could not bear the discomfort of not having airconditioning, so she slept in the spare bedroom.
I recall the letter by Seeking Faith (‘Tough love’, Heart & Soul, March 8), who mentioned that her parents don’t sleep in the same bedroom. Is this how it starts? One of the partners moves to the spare room following a disagreement, never to come back?
This lasted a couple of nights until we had a serious discussion, after which we made up. She agreed not to add the vinegar, but the smell is still there. It prevents me from giving her our usual goodnight kiss. It is a turn-off and we sleep without touching each other every night.
I know olive oil is good for the skin. I’ve tried applying it on my face but it does not help our situation. I have decided to leave the windows open for ventilation for now.
But one of us sleeping in the spare bedroom is not the solution ‑ might as well move out. We have no kids and there are no other complications. How do I find counsellors who can advise us both?
Olive Oil
YOU don’t need counsellors. Just good sense and compromise should do. Anyway, who wants to sleep with greasy olive oil?
While love supports tolerance and patience, perhaps your gal is stretching her beauty routine a bit far. If it means sleeping in separate rooms, you should be heard.
Frankly, you have been great. Using the same gunk to share her experience marks you as one of the best fellows a woman could find. If your gal doesn’t appreciate this, then vanity has become a vice.
She should really know better than to risk your love. No touching, no hugs and no kisses during the night spell impending doom. Passion has waned, romance has been doused. Sleeping in the spare room is telling a lover to split.
It’s time you tell her the truth rather than try to pretend love is still sweet, albeit oily. Maybe she is silly and unaware. Or perhaps she is taking too much for granted.
There are many ways to maintain good skin and you may want to suggest that she tries alternative treatments. Offer to pay for a course or some less sticky option. Tell her she is lovely and does not need to follow magazine tips. Or buy a magazine that gives better tips.
It’s obvious that you love and pamper her. But better to lay down the rules than suffer hurt and heartbreak when love seeps away.
Dear Thelma
Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.
> Write to: Dear Thelma, c/o StarMag, Menara Star, No. 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya or e-mail: starmag-thelma@thestar.com.my.
Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym if you wish. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column.
The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
mending relationship number 2
Sunday April 19, 2009
The better man will win
Dear Thelma
I AM a 30-year-old man who broke up with my first and only girlfriend nine years ago.
Six months ago, I met a girl, C, at a friend’s party. She did not really talk to me at first as she found me stand-offish. Over the following months, we met mostly through group outings and somehow my feelings for her grew. Recently, we had a chance to be alone and I confessed my feelings to her.
I did this despite knowing that she already has a boyfriend, whom she has been going out since her college days. Their relationship is mature, they have even bought a house together, although she has turned down his offer of marriage, claiming she’s not ready for it
Surprisingly, after I expressed my feelings, she did not reject me outright. She told me that she too had grown to be fond of me. Happily, we decided to give things a try and she alternates between seeing me and her boyfriend.
During times of guilt, she’s asked to break our relationship but I have told her that she should not rush this matter.
She’s in a dilemma and doesn’t know who to choose – someone who’s she known for many years or a new love. I’ve tried to assure her that her feelings for me are genuine else she would not have reciprocated my love.
I only worry that she will end up choosing her current boyfriend only for the sake of convenience. How do I convince her that she has to trust her heart and put faith in my ability to be the right life partner for her?
I have no feelings for anyone but her and the thought of losing my fated love now haunts me. Do you see a happy ending in this for both of us?
Daydreamer
YOUR girlfriend will have to make the ultimate decision. She knows very well that she can’t have both men.
Her mind probably tells her to stick with her guy. After so many years together, sharing house and home, she almost has a marriage.
But then you came into her life and you brought excitement, attention, love and thrill.
You understand her well and do not want to pressure her into a decision. Yet, you seem to have accepted the inevitable, that she will leave you eventually.
With this attitude, you will surely lose your gal. Think before you give up.
If she has been truly happy with her guy, would she have allowed herself into this situation?
Two timing is very stressful because it involves lies, deceit, manipulation and deviousness.
If this woman is of such character, then you should be the first to leave. But if you believe that she is with you because she is having doubts about her relationship, then you have hope.
If your love is so strong after knowing her for only six months, then go on fighting.
Ask for time, create opportunities for this relationship to develop and strengthen. Persuade her with love, sincerity and persistence. Do not allow fear, doubts and placid acceptance to rule your mind.
Love has no enemy. When she has to decide, the better man should win
The better man will win
Dear Thelma
I AM a 30-year-old man who broke up with my first and only girlfriend nine years ago.
Six months ago, I met a girl, C, at a friend’s party. She did not really talk to me at first as she found me stand-offish. Over the following months, we met mostly through group outings and somehow my feelings for her grew. Recently, we had a chance to be alone and I confessed my feelings to her.
I did this despite knowing that she already has a boyfriend, whom she has been going out since her college days. Their relationship is mature, they have even bought a house together, although she has turned down his offer of marriage, claiming she’s not ready for it
Surprisingly, after I expressed my feelings, she did not reject me outright. She told me that she too had grown to be fond of me. Happily, we decided to give things a try and she alternates between seeing me and her boyfriend.
During times of guilt, she’s asked to break our relationship but I have told her that she should not rush this matter.
She’s in a dilemma and doesn’t know who to choose – someone who’s she known for many years or a new love. I’ve tried to assure her that her feelings for me are genuine else she would not have reciprocated my love.
I only worry that she will end up choosing her current boyfriend only for the sake of convenience. How do I convince her that she has to trust her heart and put faith in my ability to be the right life partner for her?
I have no feelings for anyone but her and the thought of losing my fated love now haunts me. Do you see a happy ending in this for both of us?
Daydreamer
YOUR girlfriend will have to make the ultimate decision. She knows very well that she can’t have both men.
Her mind probably tells her to stick with her guy. After so many years together, sharing house and home, she almost has a marriage.
But then you came into her life and you brought excitement, attention, love and thrill.
You understand her well and do not want to pressure her into a decision. Yet, you seem to have accepted the inevitable, that she will leave you eventually.
With this attitude, you will surely lose your gal. Think before you give up.
If she has been truly happy with her guy, would she have allowed herself into this situation?
Two timing is very stressful because it involves lies, deceit, manipulation and deviousness.
If this woman is of such character, then you should be the first to leave. But if you believe that she is with you because she is having doubts about her relationship, then you have hope.
If your love is so strong after knowing her for only six months, then go on fighting.
Ask for time, create opportunities for this relationship to develop and strengthen. Persuade her with love, sincerity and persistence. Do not allow fear, doubts and placid acceptance to rule your mind.
Love has no enemy. When she has to decide, the better man should win
mending relationship
Sunday April 19, 2009
Wrecked by anger
I’M a 22-year-old local university undergraduate in my third year of study. It has been almost two months now since I broke up with my girlfriend.
We were together for more than a year before our relationship ended. We were both so unhappy at that time and we hada lot of arguments over petty matters.
We tried to sort out our differences many times before but the problem would always end up resurfacing because of me.
I was so stubborn and unwilling to change my ways. I am the cause of so much hurt to her. Every time we argued, I would always let my emotions and rage get the better of me. It would be like a debate, and I was never willing to give in, even when I knew I was wrong.
More often than not, I would raise my voice and utter words so sharp that it could have shattered her heart into pieces. Sometimes, I would run away and leave her alone in tears after an argument.
However, as I calmed down, I would realise how horrible my actions were and would try to patch things up. She would forgive me, because she loved me, and believed that I would eventually change.
I only realised how much I loved her after we broke up. She was such a wonderful, tolerant and understanding girlfriend and I don’t know how I could have pushed her out of my life.
I really regret all of the heartache I brought her. Although we decided to remain friends, at times, she treats me coldly and my heart aches with pain.
I have tried to let go but thoughts of her still keep coming back. I know I don’t deserve a second chance but I just can’t stop loving her. I’m so miserable and lonely now.
Silly Hamster
IF you are still friends, then perhaps she is cold due to disappointment and anger. Sure, you have hurt her but have you tried harder to make amends?
This girl must care a lot to have forgiven you so many times. While you have accepted all the blame, where is your sincerity? Time and again, you allowed your temper to control you. Regrets make feeble apologies if you never tried to be a better person.
Emotional abuse often leads to physical assault. The feeling of power and control can be heady and addictive. If you truly love her, wouldn’t you be able to hold your emotion and temper in check?
You are a bully and a coward. You love this woman but you never tried to stop the abuse. You claim misery and loneliness now but you do not have the courage to change and beg for another chance.
If you cannot help yourself, you do not deserve love and forgiveness.
Wrecked by anger
I’M a 22-year-old local university undergraduate in my third year of study. It has been almost two months now since I broke up with my girlfriend.
We were together for more than a year before our relationship ended. We were both so unhappy at that time and we hada lot of arguments over petty matters.
We tried to sort out our differences many times before but the problem would always end up resurfacing because of me.
I was so stubborn and unwilling to change my ways. I am the cause of so much hurt to her. Every time we argued, I would always let my emotions and rage get the better of me. It would be like a debate, and I was never willing to give in, even when I knew I was wrong.
More often than not, I would raise my voice and utter words so sharp that it could have shattered her heart into pieces. Sometimes, I would run away and leave her alone in tears after an argument.
However, as I calmed down, I would realise how horrible my actions were and would try to patch things up. She would forgive me, because she loved me, and believed that I would eventually change.
I only realised how much I loved her after we broke up. She was such a wonderful, tolerant and understanding girlfriend and I don’t know how I could have pushed her out of my life.
I really regret all of the heartache I brought her. Although we decided to remain friends, at times, she treats me coldly and my heart aches with pain.
I have tried to let go but thoughts of her still keep coming back. I know I don’t deserve a second chance but I just can’t stop loving her. I’m so miserable and lonely now.
Silly Hamster
IF you are still friends, then perhaps she is cold due to disappointment and anger. Sure, you have hurt her but have you tried harder to make amends?
This girl must care a lot to have forgiven you so many times. While you have accepted all the blame, where is your sincerity? Time and again, you allowed your temper to control you. Regrets make feeble apologies if you never tried to be a better person.
Emotional abuse often leads to physical assault. The feeling of power and control can be heady and addictive. If you truly love her, wouldn’t you be able to hold your emotion and temper in check?
You are a bully and a coward. You love this woman but you never tried to stop the abuse. You claim misery and loneliness now but you do not have the courage to change and beg for another chance.
If you cannot help yourself, you do not deserve love and forgiveness.
cheating wife
unday April 19, 2009
Love or fun on the side?
I AM a married woman with four kids. I have been married for 11 years to a man who doesn’t show any responsibility.
I am 30 years old now and have fallen in love with another guy. He is from Penang and is also a married man with five kids.
We both know that our relationship cannot continue long term since both of us have our own families, but at the same time, we can’t ignore the deep love we have for each other.
We have met three times and I can’t break it up just like that because our feelings will kill us. Please advise.
An Affair
IF you want to continue with the affair, be prepared to lose your husband, children and suffer the consequences of your behaviour.
You have four children and your life might have been full of drudgery and boredom when you could have enjoyed your youth and beauty. Things were normal, unexciting and filled with chores and regularities until you met your lover.
This man probably provoked your latent feelings of sexuality and adventure. It must feel so exciting, exhilarating and thrilling to enjoy a relationship on the sly. Perhaps this guy is also suffering marriage fatigue. Sharing a romantic interlude, without commitment or obligation, must feel wonderfully liberating.
During these stolen moments, you could both feel young, free and unfettered by the reality of bringing up a family, working and coping with the daily grind.
However, there is too much hurt and pain involved if you both selfishly decide to carry on. Do not be seduced and fooled by your feelings now. If you marry your lover, life will probably go the same way. There will be the children to care for, the house to clean, as you continue to be wife and mother.
An affair is never a solution. If your marriage is the problem, then think of ways to improve your relationship with your husband. Enjoy your children and do not see them as responsibilities and liabilities.
It should not be difficult to forget a man you have met only three times. Be sensible, rational and remember that your family needs you more. Do not fall into a trap of guilt and regrets because it is more difficult to salvage love betrayed
Love or fun on the side?
I AM a married woman with four kids. I have been married for 11 years to a man who doesn’t show any responsibility.
I am 30 years old now and have fallen in love with another guy. He is from Penang and is also a married man with five kids.
We both know that our relationship cannot continue long term since both of us have our own families, but at the same time, we can’t ignore the deep love we have for each other.
We have met three times and I can’t break it up just like that because our feelings will kill us. Please advise.
An Affair
IF you want to continue with the affair, be prepared to lose your husband, children and suffer the consequences of your behaviour.
You have four children and your life might have been full of drudgery and boredom when you could have enjoyed your youth and beauty. Things were normal, unexciting and filled with chores and regularities until you met your lover.
This man probably provoked your latent feelings of sexuality and adventure. It must feel so exciting, exhilarating and thrilling to enjoy a relationship on the sly. Perhaps this guy is also suffering marriage fatigue. Sharing a romantic interlude, without commitment or obligation, must feel wonderfully liberating.
During these stolen moments, you could both feel young, free and unfettered by the reality of bringing up a family, working and coping with the daily grind.
However, there is too much hurt and pain involved if you both selfishly decide to carry on. Do not be seduced and fooled by your feelings now. If you marry your lover, life will probably go the same way. There will be the children to care for, the house to clean, as you continue to be wife and mother.
An affair is never a solution. If your marriage is the problem, then think of ways to improve your relationship with your husband. Enjoy your children and do not see them as responsibilities and liabilities.
It should not be difficult to forget a man you have met only three times. Be sensible, rational and remember that your family needs you more. Do not fall into a trap of guilt and regrets because it is more difficult to salvage love betrayed
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
an unwanted affair - the worst of its kind
But, all these can be a plot in the film, or stories in a magazine created to boost up the sale, until you see for your own eyes, a real life episode, real tears flow, then you are up to 'the affair of the worst kind'.
.... to be continued...
an unwanted affair
You would have thought that famous peoples are choosy. You be up to a big surprise!!! Mr Wood was reported to sting of girls, ranging from a porn star to a pancake house waitress. and the names are kept adding on, bringing the tally to at least nine.
They say that the golfer's wife should remain married for a big payday.....ha..ha.ha...are you saying you will do that for money..where is your pride?? or what is your price.... peanuts??
Tabloids over the weekend named porn star Holly Sampson and pancake waitress Mindy Lawton as two of the names on Tiger's steamy scorecard, raising the question of how Woods would have been able to keep so many affairs secret for so long.
Sampson, 36, is a busty blonde and Los Angeles resident. The star of the films "OMG, Stop Tickling Me" and "Flying Solo 2" has not denied an extramarital affair with the golfer, whose squeaky clean reputation has been tarnished since a bizarre early morning car accident two weeks ago raised questions about the stability of his marriage and was followed by a slew of allegations about alleged affairs.
How did he keep those affair secret...........
I am going to write a best seller.......A sure way to make your affair a secret... tiger tested...hahahha..
unwanted affairs - Once bitten
Sunday March 1, 2009
I HAVE been working in my present company since 2006. I met this girl, SY in August 2006 when she joined the company. She is a nice girl. She lives in our company’s girl hostel. After seeing each other for a long time, I fell in love with this girl. One day, I offered to drive her home from work and she accepted the offer. From that day onwards, I would drive her home every night after work.
After a long time, many people asked me to express my love to her but I was scared. I had many chances to express my feelings, since we always had lunch together as well. Finally, after Chinese New Year 2007, she resigned from the company. Two nights before her last day, I expressed my love to her via SMS because I was too scared to talk to her. After taking a day to reply, she rejected my love because she said that she was not my type ... and my heart broke.
Until now, I still feel sad. Whenever I go to places that I have been out with her before, I will be saddened. This experience has made me scared to express my love to other girls. Thelma, please help me out. I still miss her and it makes me scared to attempt to find a new love in the future.
Scared
IF you continue to be scared, forget love. How did you expect a girl to respond to your sms? No woman would feel secure with a man who does not even have the guts to express his love in person. What was your fear? Rejection? A slap on the face? Think about it and ask yourself the reason for your cowardly behaviour.
You managed to get the gal to ride in your car every night, lunched with you and yet you were afraid to let her know how you felt. When she told you she was not your type, you slunk away without trying to convince her she’s perfect for you.
Frankly, you were a fool. Live like this and you may as well hide in the well. There are so many opportunities for a young man like you but where is the persistence, determination and confidence to fight for what you want?
What have you got to lose by telling a girl you love her? And worse, you dare think that this is the end and you are ‘scared’ to try for love again. Sorry but few can empathise with such a defeatist attitude. No one could fault a guy for trying to find love but no one feels sorry for someone who lacks courage.
If you miss your gal, think of her all the time, what is stopping you from getting in touch with her? Ask her out for lunch, dinner and a movie. Send her flowers, chocolates and stir her heart with passion and sincerity.
If she is truly not interested, stop moping around the places you had shared with her. Move on and get on with living and loving. Never feel sorry for yourself or live with regrets and fear. People who succeed never give up without trying.
Monday, January 25, 2010
unsure lovers
day February 22, 2009
She loves him, she loves him not...
I AM a 30-year-old woman. I married X three years ago, but we divorced after a year. He had many problems, which included gambling and drinking.
However, he is actually a good person deep down. We divorced because his drinking and gambling problems worsened and he didn’t want to change his ways.
Also, he had a relationship with a colleague (although he denies it till today). I knew he was sad that we divorced as I saw him crying the day he signed the divorce papers.
I was devastated too, as we were together for close to seven years, but I could not take his bad habits any longer.
Some time after the divorce, I met A. He is everything that X is not. They are total opposites.
While A does not have the problems that X had, A is not very nice towards my family. He is polite, but does not care for my family as much as X did.
However, he loves me very much. I married A a year ago. A is always very concerned about my emotional feelings and always tries to make me happy.
I know it is wrong for me to compare the two of them but I miss many of the things that X used to do for me. I do not meet X anymore but I sometimes email him when I am feeling lonely and depressed.
A does not know about this. I feel very guilty. Recently, my would-be anniversary with X passed and I couldn’t help but reminisce about him and our relationship. I missed him so much, and I cried and was depressed for many days.
I am still depressed, and still think of him, and I can’t help but wonder whether I made the right step by divorcing him. I am happy with A, but I still miss X.
How do I forget X and live in my present and not the past? I know I should be focusing on my life with A now.
I think of all the bad things X had done to me and his unwillingness to change but a part of me still says that it was a mistake to leave him.
Please help me, Thelma. I am so depressed and my condition is affecting my relationship with A.
JML
UNLESS you are considering leaving A for your ex, stop your dreams and reminisces. Rationally, you know it’s wrong and unfair to be constantly thinking of X when A loves you so much.
Face the truth. Can you be forever happy with a man who gambles and drinks? You have tried changing X’s ways but failed.
You chose to divorce him but felt guilty and remorseful for causing him pain and tears.
You seem to regret your decision and this is a mistake. You now allow the best of X to dominate your heart and mind while A gets the blame for not being as nice and close to your family. The poor fellow does not even know his crime.
Don’t mess up because you feel sorry and guilty about X. A loves you but you should not expect him to shower love, warmth and attention on your family.
He didn’t marry all of them. Harping on niggling issues is picking on bones. You haven’t given A time and opportunity to grow close to your loved ones.
How could you put this as a fault big enough to allow X back into your life?
Don’t be a fool of the moment and destroy a lifetime of happiness. Stop the emails, try to avoid X for now. He is a distraction you do not need. Concentrate on your marriage, give it the priority it deserves.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with your ex but it should not be a secret. When you have to lie, your marriage is in jeopardy.
She loves him, she loves him not...
I AM a 30-year-old woman. I married X three years ago, but we divorced after a year. He had many problems, which included gambling and drinking.
However, he is actually a good person deep down. We divorced because his drinking and gambling problems worsened and he didn’t want to change his ways.
Also, he had a relationship with a colleague (although he denies it till today). I knew he was sad that we divorced as I saw him crying the day he signed the divorce papers.
I was devastated too, as we were together for close to seven years, but I could not take his bad habits any longer.
Some time after the divorce, I met A. He is everything that X is not. They are total opposites.
While A does not have the problems that X had, A is not very nice towards my family. He is polite, but does not care for my family as much as X did.
However, he loves me very much. I married A a year ago. A is always very concerned about my emotional feelings and always tries to make me happy.
I know it is wrong for me to compare the two of them but I miss many of the things that X used to do for me. I do not meet X anymore but I sometimes email him when I am feeling lonely and depressed.
A does not know about this. I feel very guilty. Recently, my would-be anniversary with X passed and I couldn’t help but reminisce about him and our relationship. I missed him so much, and I cried and was depressed for many days.
I am still depressed, and still think of him, and I can’t help but wonder whether I made the right step by divorcing him. I am happy with A, but I still miss X.
How do I forget X and live in my present and not the past? I know I should be focusing on my life with A now.
I think of all the bad things X had done to me and his unwillingness to change but a part of me still says that it was a mistake to leave him.
Please help me, Thelma. I am so depressed and my condition is affecting my relationship with A.
JML
UNLESS you are considering leaving A for your ex, stop your dreams and reminisces. Rationally, you know it’s wrong and unfair to be constantly thinking of X when A loves you so much.
Face the truth. Can you be forever happy with a man who gambles and drinks? You have tried changing X’s ways but failed.
You chose to divorce him but felt guilty and remorseful for causing him pain and tears.
You seem to regret your decision and this is a mistake. You now allow the best of X to dominate your heart and mind while A gets the blame for not being as nice and close to your family. The poor fellow does not even know his crime.
Don’t mess up because you feel sorry and guilty about X. A loves you but you should not expect him to shower love, warmth and attention on your family.
He didn’t marry all of them. Harping on niggling issues is picking on bones. You haven’t given A time and opportunity to grow close to your loved ones.
How could you put this as a fault big enough to allow X back into your life?
Don’t be a fool of the moment and destroy a lifetime of happiness. Stop the emails, try to avoid X for now. He is a distraction you do not need. Concentrate on your marriage, give it the priority it deserves.
It’s fine to maintain a relationship with your ex but it should not be a secret. When you have to lie, your marriage is in jeopardy.
thai visitors
Tortured by Thai visits
Dear Thelma
I AM a married woman in my 40s with a teenage son. My marriage was a happy one until two years ago when I found some condoms in my husband’s luggage and that he had been making regular visits to a Thai border town. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he had to entertain because of the nature of his job and promised me that he would put a stop to this.
Alas! Two years have passed and his visits continue. Each time I find out, I confront him about it but he tells me all sorts of lies instead. I am having sleepless nights and feeling emotionally drained because of his constant denials and lies. Furthermore, we have not been intimate for quite a while.
I would very much like to save our marriage for the sake of our son. I want my former loving and family-oriented husband back rather than contemplate ending our relationship because I do not have the confidence to start afresh as I stopped working more than 15 years ago.
Lulu
IT is unlikely that your husband will revert to the man he was before he got entangled with prostitutes. He has been feeding you lies and false promises for two years. Your relationship with him has been sexually cold and indifferent. So what are your options?
There are women like you who suffer marriages of convenience for their own good reasons. You are thinking of your son and your financial dependence on him. You are afraid to start afresh because you feel useless, incapable and lack drive and confidence. It’s a tough, harsh world outside for a homemaker like you. It’s normal to feel so hapless, so hopeless in such a situation.
There are also women who are not afraid to fight back for their esteem, pride and dignity. Your husband has been cheating on you. He has betrayed your love, trust and the sanctity of your marriage. And most importantly, what values can you impart to your teenage son should he find out the truth? Is it acceptable to lie, cheat and betray? He may hate his father but he might also learn the worst from him. And can he respect you, his mother, for allowing such emotional abuse and neglect?
When cornered, do not be afraid to fight back. Your child is a young adult and he has the right to choices and decisions. He need not grow up hating his father but he needs to understand right from wrong. Let him know the truth. His father cannot deny the facts and if he loves you and his child, he must stop being irresponsible and selfish. And you must not let your husband know your fear so he cannot bully you into submission and defeat.
When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. You are trapped in a marriage you are afraid to leave. While your heart breaks every time your man leaves for his prostitutes and have his fun, you dare not walk away from the cold, empty bed. If you can live with this for the rest of your life, then it is your choice. But if you want more than a farce of a marriage, the shell of a man, then consider walking out.
Search the Internet for support groups. The Women’s Aid Organisation (www.wao.org.my) may be a good start. Even if you need to stay in your marriage, it helps to have friends and people who understand. Learn to be liberated. You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to fear.
Dear Thelma
I AM a married woman in my 40s with a teenage son. My marriage was a happy one until two years ago when I found some condoms in my husband’s luggage and that he had been making regular visits to a Thai border town. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he had to entertain because of the nature of his job and promised me that he would put a stop to this.
Alas! Two years have passed and his visits continue. Each time I find out, I confront him about it but he tells me all sorts of lies instead. I am having sleepless nights and feeling emotionally drained because of his constant denials and lies. Furthermore, we have not been intimate for quite a while.
I would very much like to save our marriage for the sake of our son. I want my former loving and family-oriented husband back rather than contemplate ending our relationship because I do not have the confidence to start afresh as I stopped working more than 15 years ago.
Lulu
IT is unlikely that your husband will revert to the man he was before he got entangled with prostitutes. He has been feeding you lies and false promises for two years. Your relationship with him has been sexually cold and indifferent. So what are your options?
There are women like you who suffer marriages of convenience for their own good reasons. You are thinking of your son and your financial dependence on him. You are afraid to start afresh because you feel useless, incapable and lack drive and confidence. It’s a tough, harsh world outside for a homemaker like you. It’s normal to feel so hapless, so hopeless in such a situation.
There are also women who are not afraid to fight back for their esteem, pride and dignity. Your husband has been cheating on you. He has betrayed your love, trust and the sanctity of your marriage. And most importantly, what values can you impart to your teenage son should he find out the truth? Is it acceptable to lie, cheat and betray? He may hate his father but he might also learn the worst from him. And can he respect you, his mother, for allowing such emotional abuse and neglect?
When cornered, do not be afraid to fight back. Your child is a young adult and he has the right to choices and decisions. He need not grow up hating his father but he needs to understand right from wrong. Let him know the truth. His father cannot deny the facts and if he loves you and his child, he must stop being irresponsible and selfish. And you must not let your husband know your fear so he cannot bully you into submission and defeat.
When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. You are trapped in a marriage you are afraid to leave. While your heart breaks every time your man leaves for his prostitutes and have his fun, you dare not walk away from the cold, empty bed. If you can live with this for the rest of your life, then it is your choice. But if you want more than a farce of a marriage, the shell of a man, then consider walking out.
Search the Internet for support groups. The Women’s Aid Organisation (www.wao.org.my) may be a good start. Even if you need to stay in your marriage, it helps to have friends and people who understand. Learn to be liberated. You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to fear.
finding love again
I HAD a friend who passed away suddenly at the age of 56, leaving behind a wife, son and daughter. The family did not know what to do. Since my wife also passed away this year, I had some experience in handling the situation. After a week, their children invited me to their house to handle some administrative matters like applying for the letter of administration and pension papers. My friend had left a will and they had a lawyer to manage the matters.
The real problem was the wife who was solely dependent on the husband for everything, although she is a school teacher. She calls me now and then to ask for help. Finally, I got a counsellor to advise her. This did not help much as she really missed her husband.
I made it a point to visit her daily for about an hour, and made her talk about her problems. As time passed, she realised that she had to make decision in her life. I also began to understand her problem. She lives in a big house with only the television for company. I suggested she get a radio/CD player so that she could listen to beautiful music. She received the arrears of husband’s pension and the letter of administration from her lawyers, and her condition began to improve.
It has now been eight months since her husband’s death. One day, she told me she wanted to buy me lunch for all my help, but I was reluctant to go out as that might give the public the wrong impression. I suggested instead that she cook at home, and when I visited her for dinner, she looked as happy as she did before her husband’s death.
We finished a whole bottle of wine and as I was about to leave, she kissed me and asked me to stay the night. This scared me a bit but I did so anyway. She spoke about personal matters and told me that she wanted to have sex.
I agreed and from then on, we would have sex at least once a month. We are like “husband and wife” then and are now thinking of getting married because she can benefit from my pension. We had a fair discussion of our future, our children and the property we have. So far, things have been fine for us. We have consulted a lawyer for advice.
We have told our children of our intention and they are not happy. We are leaving things to fate to take its course.
Objection
AS you and your lady are widowed and of an age that do not need consent, why should the children object? Rightfully, they should be happy that you have found love, passion and companionship in your golden years.
You have done everything you could to avoid financial and social complications. It’s time for you to get married again, relax and enjoy time together with your wife. Yes, let fate take its course. No one has any good reason to complain or think it’s a bad idea. Would your children take care of you when you are ill and lonely? In today’s rat race, everyone seems to be busy. Old folks are put away because there is not enough time and money to care for them.
Do not allow selfish behaviour to mar your joy. Do not feel obligated to even explain your intentions. Marriage is a joyful union between two people. Regardless of age, it is a celebration of the start of living with someone cherished. People who love and care about you should only be too glad to give their blessings.
The real problem was the wife who was solely dependent on the husband for everything, although she is a school teacher. She calls me now and then to ask for help. Finally, I got a counsellor to advise her. This did not help much as she really missed her husband.
I made it a point to visit her daily for about an hour, and made her talk about her problems. As time passed, she realised that she had to make decision in her life. I also began to understand her problem. She lives in a big house with only the television for company. I suggested she get a radio/CD player so that she could listen to beautiful music. She received the arrears of husband’s pension and the letter of administration from her lawyers, and her condition began to improve.
It has now been eight months since her husband’s death. One day, she told me she wanted to buy me lunch for all my help, but I was reluctant to go out as that might give the public the wrong impression. I suggested instead that she cook at home, and when I visited her for dinner, she looked as happy as she did before her husband’s death.
We finished a whole bottle of wine and as I was about to leave, she kissed me and asked me to stay the night. This scared me a bit but I did so anyway. She spoke about personal matters and told me that she wanted to have sex.
I agreed and from then on, we would have sex at least once a month. We are like “husband and wife” then and are now thinking of getting married because she can benefit from my pension. We had a fair discussion of our future, our children and the property we have. So far, things have been fine for us. We have consulted a lawyer for advice.
We have told our children of our intention and they are not happy. We are leaving things to fate to take its course.
Objection
AS you and your lady are widowed and of an age that do not need consent, why should the children object? Rightfully, they should be happy that you have found love, passion and companionship in your golden years.
You have done everything you could to avoid financial and social complications. It’s time for you to get married again, relax and enjoy time together with your wife. Yes, let fate take its course. No one has any good reason to complain or think it’s a bad idea. Would your children take care of you when you are ill and lonely? In today’s rat race, everyone seems to be busy. Old folks are put away because there is not enough time and money to care for them.
Do not allow selfish behaviour to mar your joy. Do not feel obligated to even explain your intentions. Marriage is a joyful union between two people. Regardless of age, it is a celebration of the start of living with someone cherished. People who love and care about you should only be too glad to give their blessings.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
back to cheating
Back to cheating
I LAST wrote to you in 2004 as “Depressed” (letter published in November 2004) about my cheating husband. He is now seeing someone again.
I have discovered little pieces of strong evidence that prove he has been having an unwanted affair, and when I confronted him, as expected, he denied everything. He said nothing but his facial expression showed that he felt guilty. My frustrations made me utter the word “divorce”. I forgave him four years ago but had warned him that if it happened again, I would go ahead with the divorce.
We now sleep in separate rooms as I cannot bear to be in the same bed as the man who has betrayed me. The sight of him makes me sick and angry. I don’t know how long I can tolerate this. I have made up my mind to end it with this man whom I have been married to for 27 years. We will be going for a vacation next month, but since this happened, will I be strong enough to go?
Depressed Again
BETRAYAL is a bitter pill to swallow, but after 27 years of marriage, are you truly ready to call it quits to stop the pain? Or do you love this man enough to give him this last chance, for his denial means he does not want to end this marriage?
When you discovered his affair a few years ago, you must have felt and behaved differently towards him. You couldn’t trust him and were suspicious of his every action. Many women find it hard to feel passion and love after such betrayal. Inadvertently, there will be changes and the marriage actually suffers more. The parties either try too hard or retreat into a cold, indifferent shell. If the love is not strong enough to forge forgiveness, then the marriage becomes a sham.
If you feel strongly about divorce, then seek legal advice. It is timely to also plan for your future. You need friends and family for support. Keep busy so you do not feel alone and lonely. Are you financially independent? Search the Internet to get in touch with support groups.
Be careful that you do not end up angry, frustrated and bitter. If you feel any love left for your husband, take the vacation with him. Be prepared to listen. It has come to a point when angry words, accusations and reproach will not help.
Be fair. Have you truly given your man the chance after the affair or did you turn your heart away from him? A cold, empty marriage is hardly grounds for a warm, passionate reconciliation. Decide after you have explored every possibility. Love should not end on such a painful and bitter note.
I LAST wrote to you in 2004 as “Depressed” (letter published in November 2004) about my cheating husband. He is now seeing someone again.
I have discovered little pieces of strong evidence that prove he has been having an unwanted affair, and when I confronted him, as expected, he denied everything. He said nothing but his facial expression showed that he felt guilty. My frustrations made me utter the word “divorce”. I forgave him four years ago but had warned him that if it happened again, I would go ahead with the divorce.
We now sleep in separate rooms as I cannot bear to be in the same bed as the man who has betrayed me. The sight of him makes me sick and angry. I don’t know how long I can tolerate this. I have made up my mind to end it with this man whom I have been married to for 27 years. We will be going for a vacation next month, but since this happened, will I be strong enough to go?
Depressed Again
BETRAYAL is a bitter pill to swallow, but after 27 years of marriage, are you truly ready to call it quits to stop the pain? Or do you love this man enough to give him this last chance, for his denial means he does not want to end this marriage?
When you discovered his affair a few years ago, you must have felt and behaved differently towards him. You couldn’t trust him and were suspicious of his every action. Many women find it hard to feel passion and love after such betrayal. Inadvertently, there will be changes and the marriage actually suffers more. The parties either try too hard or retreat into a cold, indifferent shell. If the love is not strong enough to forge forgiveness, then the marriage becomes a sham.
If you feel strongly about divorce, then seek legal advice. It is timely to also plan for your future. You need friends and family for support. Keep busy so you do not feel alone and lonely. Are you financially independent? Search the Internet to get in touch with support groups.
Be careful that you do not end up angry, frustrated and bitter. If you feel any love left for your husband, take the vacation with him. Be prepared to listen. It has come to a point when angry words, accusations and reproach will not help.
Be fair. Have you truly given your man the chance after the affair or did you turn your heart away from him? A cold, empty marriage is hardly grounds for a warm, passionate reconciliation. Decide after you have explored every possibility. Love should not end on such a painful and bitter note.
Unwanted affairs are not worth it, for the sufferings it caused, the mistrust it has created.
confusing reign
Reading the story, I feel sad. I dont believe that they are doing is right. If you are a man, be a man. Man and woman have their own role to play.
For thousands of years we know the rule. How come, when we are better off, we forget the direction.
.......................................................................
A few years back, I was studying in a college with B. She only hangs out with girls and is an outgoing person. Everyone called her B but she was not bothered as she was very smart.
We didn’t mix much, just nodding our heads when we bumped into each other on campus. After our college days, we parted and went different ways. With my exam results I couldn’t get a very decent job so I decided to become a computer salesman.
One day I walked into a big firm to sell my stuff, and there was B holding a big post. She recognised me straight away and asked me out for a drink at night. I met up with her and she offered me a job – to be her “wife” and take care of things at home! In case it’s not clear, I am a guy.
B offered me a four-figure salary, free accommodation, a car and other perks. I asked her why, and she said she dislikes men, but she had to be married (and stay married) to get her inheritance.
B said I fit the bill because I look kinda girlish (I am slim, tall and only slightly muscular) and that’s precisely what she likes.
After a few meetings with B, we settled on the payment, and she gave me an advance on that four-figure salary. Later, we got ourselves registered so that B could get her inheritance money credited into her account every month.
Initially, I didn’t sleep with B because she would always be sleeping with her girlfriends in the master bedroom.
Everything was going fine for one year. Then B told me that her girlfriends didn’t like men in the house, and so B asked me to become a “she-male”. After some thought, I agreed and started wearing women’s clothes. After taking hormone pills for some time, I now even have size 32 breasts.
With my tall, slim frame, I really look feminine and very beautiful. No one will guess I am a man. Now I sleep with B in the room and with her girlfriends.
A few years have passed. B and I have a wonderful relationship and we don’t have children. We are very well off and my bank balance is fat because I dont spend money at all. Meanwhile, B just banks money into my account.
The problem now is that B wants me to have a sex change operation. B says she will pay for it as she has fallen in love with me. I do not want to do that. I love the way I am now. But I also love B very much.
I just don’t know if what I am doing is right or wrong and I don’t know where this relationship is headed. Will it end one day like a contract? Should I go for the sex change operation?
For thousands of years we know the rule. How come, when we are better off, we forget the direction.
.......................................................................
A few years back, I was studying in a college with B. She only hangs out with girls and is an outgoing person. Everyone called her B but she was not bothered as she was very smart.
We didn’t mix much, just nodding our heads when we bumped into each other on campus. After our college days, we parted and went different ways. With my exam results I couldn’t get a very decent job so I decided to become a computer salesman.
One day I walked into a big firm to sell my stuff, and there was B holding a big post. She recognised me straight away and asked me out for a drink at night. I met up with her and she offered me a job – to be her “wife” and take care of things at home! In case it’s not clear, I am a guy.
B offered me a four-figure salary, free accommodation, a car and other perks. I asked her why, and she said she dislikes men, but she had to be married (and stay married) to get her inheritance.
B said I fit the bill because I look kinda girlish (I am slim, tall and only slightly muscular) and that’s precisely what she likes.
After a few meetings with B, we settled on the payment, and she gave me an advance on that four-figure salary. Later, we got ourselves registered so that B could get her inheritance money credited into her account every month.
Initially, I didn’t sleep with B because she would always be sleeping with her girlfriends in the master bedroom.
Everything was going fine for one year. Then B told me that her girlfriends didn’t like men in the house, and so B asked me to become a “she-male”. After some thought, I agreed and started wearing women’s clothes. After taking hormone pills for some time, I now even have size 32 breasts.
With my tall, slim frame, I really look feminine and very beautiful. No one will guess I am a man. Now I sleep with B in the room and with her girlfriends.
A few years have passed. B and I have a wonderful relationship and we don’t have children. We are very well off and my bank balance is fat because I dont spend money at all. Meanwhile, B just banks money into my account.
The problem now is that B wants me to have a sex change operation. B says she will pay for it as she has fallen in love with me. I do not want to do that. I love the way I am now. But I also love B very much.
I just don’t know if what I am doing is right or wrong and I don’t know where this relationship is headed. Will it end one day like a contract? Should I go for the sex change operation?
true romance
We the girl was young, she was an idealist, she believed in the true romance. The tall and dark prince, will came to ask for her hand in marriage and the will gallop to the sunset and live happily ever after.
That is the story from the distant past, the truth is, despite the wild imagination and the dreams of the young peoples in love, relationship often hit turbulence.
May be Andrew can share his side of the story...
------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday February 1, 2009
True romance
By ANDREW SIA
WHAT is “romantic” love? And why does it so often turn into hate when things go wrong? Strangely enough, a celibate monk had some answers.
Now, how would a man feel if his girlfriend left him for his best friend? This was the question posed about two years ago – in a talk entitled “What is love?” – by Ajahn Brahms, a British Buddhist monk.
Of course, we all know that most men would be incandescent with a Molotov cocktail of rage, jealousy and betrayal tipped perhaps with a sparkling fuse of self-pity. Yet, this monk challenged his listeners: If that man truly loved his girlfriend, and was willing to do anything (that’s what they all say, no?) for her happiness, shouldn’t he be over-joyed that she had found contentment, albeit with somebody else? In fact, he should be doubly happy that his best friend had also discovered bliss!
Easier said than done certainly. Yet Brahms, who was originally trained at Cambridge University as a quantum physicist, pointed out that most of what we call romantic love is actually selfish love which can be translated as: “I love you for the ‘high’ that you give me.”
In contrast, there is true love, which says, “I love you, and want the best for you, no matter what”. This, he explained, is the kind of selfless love that a mother might give her children.
The Malaysian equivalent would be unconditional love for the son who does not score ten A1’s in his SPM or the daughter who shacks up with a Nigerian dealing in counterfeit currency!
Maybe in the old days one could “monitor” and “manage” a partner’s behaviour to ensure he or she did not stray. But nowadays, when people can flirt and cyber-fornicate through SMS, e-mails, instant messenger (perhaps even stripping on webcam!) and social networking sites – as I, a tech-dinosaur, once discovered to my chagrin – it’s open season for all.
Unless, you lock up your women at home Taliban-style without allowing them to even pick up the phone – but such insecurity and control are surely all about “possession” and “ownership”, not love.
I had a glimpse of what true love was about once in my life. Years ago, not only was my girlfriend two timing me, but, in a bizarre twist, I was even staying at the guy’s flat in Singapore! Oh what an explosive, miserable Molotov cocktail of emotions that was.
And strangely, when I opened my Bible, desperate for guidance, God (I felt) had the audacity to have me read James chapter one, which told me to rejoice! For I was like silver ore being refined through a white-hot furnace into shiny metal.
Yet, after a week of praying, the answer to my agony came: That I should simply practise true, unconditional love. Indeed, I recalled the verse: “Love keeps no record of wrongs”.
In a flash of insight, I realised, that if I really loved her, as I claimed and declared, I should be happy that she had found happiness, even in the arms of another man. It was a miracle, but the whole weight of anger, jealousy and self-loathing was instantly lifted off my shoulders. I felt buoyant, joyous and liberated.
Yes, true love is liberating and soul-nurturing. But it needs to be consciously cultivated, practised and nurtured. Just as it’s not easy to love one’s enemy, it’s all too easy to slip back into old habits of selfishness or emotional dependency.
I myself have paid the price, once ending up in a relationship of such intense “love” and hate, such neediness yet loathing, that we broke up and patched up several times within three months.
It was, in the jargon of psychology, the classic “co-dependent” relationship, where both parties feel an inner void that they seek to fill in the other – and blame the other when either one is dissatisfied.
Or course that was not love. Instead, I had become my own parody of a Dear Thelma story, the kind you read about (and I sometimes laugh at in sheer disbelief, shame on me) in StarMag’s Heart & Soul pages.
In short, I am still finding my way. I have seen the exquisite, soaring North Star, yet my feet on earth are still all too human and stumbling over sand, soil and mud. But I am thankful for the compass that my past experiences, both wretched and exultant, has given me on this journey.
More stories:
-------------------------------------
I believe true romance really exist. But love and responsibility always come together, and it is not for ourself that we love the partner, but for the wellbeing of the future generation
That is the story from the distant past, the truth is, despite the wild imagination and the dreams of the young peoples in love, relationship often hit turbulence.
May be Andrew can share his side of the story...
------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday February 1, 2009
True romance
By ANDREW SIA
WHAT is “romantic” love? And why does it so often turn into hate when things go wrong? Strangely enough, a celibate monk had some answers.
Now, how would a man feel if his girlfriend left him for his best friend? This was the question posed about two years ago – in a talk entitled “What is love?” – by Ajahn Brahms, a British Buddhist monk.
Of course, we all know that most men would be incandescent with a Molotov cocktail of rage, jealousy and betrayal tipped perhaps with a sparkling fuse of self-pity. Yet, this monk challenged his listeners: If that man truly loved his girlfriend, and was willing to do anything (that’s what they all say, no?) for her happiness, shouldn’t he be over-joyed that she had found contentment, albeit with somebody else? In fact, he should be doubly happy that his best friend had also discovered bliss!
Easier said than done certainly. Yet Brahms, who was originally trained at Cambridge University as a quantum physicist, pointed out that most of what we call romantic love is actually selfish love which can be translated as: “I love you for the ‘high’ that you give me.”
In contrast, there is true love, which says, “I love you, and want the best for you, no matter what”. This, he explained, is the kind of selfless love that a mother might give her children.
The Malaysian equivalent would be unconditional love for the son who does not score ten A1’s in his SPM or the daughter who shacks up with a Nigerian dealing in counterfeit currency!
Maybe in the old days one could “monitor” and “manage” a partner’s behaviour to ensure he or she did not stray. But nowadays, when people can flirt and cyber-fornicate through SMS, e-mails, instant messenger (perhaps even stripping on webcam!) and social networking sites – as I, a tech-dinosaur, once discovered to my chagrin – it’s open season for all.
Unless, you lock up your women at home Taliban-style without allowing them to even pick up the phone – but such insecurity and control are surely all about “possession” and “ownership”, not love.
I had a glimpse of what true love was about once in my life. Years ago, not only was my girlfriend two timing me, but, in a bizarre twist, I was even staying at the guy’s flat in Singapore! Oh what an explosive, miserable Molotov cocktail of emotions that was.
And strangely, when I opened my Bible, desperate for guidance, God (I felt) had the audacity to have me read James chapter one, which told me to rejoice! For I was like silver ore being refined through a white-hot furnace into shiny metal.
Yet, after a week of praying, the answer to my agony came: That I should simply practise true, unconditional love. Indeed, I recalled the verse: “Love keeps no record of wrongs”.
In a flash of insight, I realised, that if I really loved her, as I claimed and declared, I should be happy that she had found happiness, even in the arms of another man. It was a miracle, but the whole weight of anger, jealousy and self-loathing was instantly lifted off my shoulders. I felt buoyant, joyous and liberated.
Yes, true love is liberating and soul-nurturing. But it needs to be consciously cultivated, practised and nurtured. Just as it’s not easy to love one’s enemy, it’s all too easy to slip back into old habits of selfishness or emotional dependency.
I myself have paid the price, once ending up in a relationship of such intense “love” and hate, such neediness yet loathing, that we broke up and patched up several times within three months.
It was, in the jargon of psychology, the classic “co-dependent” relationship, where both parties feel an inner void that they seek to fill in the other – and blame the other when either one is dissatisfied.
Or course that was not love. Instead, I had become my own parody of a Dear Thelma story, the kind you read about (and I sometimes laugh at in sheer disbelief, shame on me) in StarMag’s Heart & Soul pages.
In short, I am still finding my way. I have seen the exquisite, soaring North Star, yet my feet on earth are still all too human and stumbling over sand, soil and mud. But I am thankful for the compass that my past experiences, both wretched and exultant, has given me on this journey.
More stories:
-------------------------------------
I believe true romance really exist. But love and responsibility always come together, and it is not for ourself that we love the partner, but for the wellbeing of the future generation
Saturday, January 9, 2010
wife having affair
Sunday January 10, 2010
Hubby strangles wife’s lover and buries body in field
PETALING JAYA: A love triangle ended in tragedy when a man killed his wife’s boyfriend and later buried the body in a field in Kinrara.
The victim, a bus conductor, is believed to have been killed after he was lured by the husband and his three friends to discuss the love affair at about 11pm yesterday.
During the meeting, the husband is believed to have strangled the victim out of rage when the latter confirmed the affair.
Following a public tip-off, police nabbed the four men, aged between 30 and 40, at about 3am.
Investigations led them to the buried body in a field in Taman Damai Utama, Kinrara.
Police discovered strangulation marks around the victim’s neck and a severe blow to the back of his head with a blunt object.
Selangor deputy CID chief Asst Comm Omar Mamah confirmed the murder and the arrests.
Hubby strangles wife’s lover and buries body in field
PETALING JAYA: A love triangle ended in tragedy when a man killed his wife’s boyfriend and later buried the body in a field in Kinrara.
The victim, a bus conductor, is believed to have been killed after he was lured by the husband and his three friends to discuss the love affair at about 11pm yesterday.
During the meeting, the husband is believed to have strangled the victim out of rage when the latter confirmed the affair.
Following a public tip-off, police nabbed the four men, aged between 30 and 40, at about 3am.
Investigations led them to the buried body in a field in Taman Damai Utama, Kinrara.
Police discovered strangulation marks around the victim’s neck and a severe blow to the back of his head with a blunt object.
Selangor deputy CID chief Asst Comm Omar Mamah confirmed the murder and the arrests.
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