true romance

We the girl was young, she was an idealist, she believed in the true romance. The tall and dark prince, will came to ask for her hand in marriage and the will gallop to the sunset and live happily ever after.

That is the story from the distant past, the truth is, despite the wild imagination and the dreams of the young peoples in love, relationship often hit turbulence.

May be Andrew can share his side of the story...
 
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Sunday February 1, 2009
True romance
By ANDREW SIA


WHAT is “romantic” love? And why does it so often turn into hate when things go wrong? Strangely enough, a celibate monk had some answers.

Now, how would a man feel if his girlfriend left him for his best friend? This was the question posed about two years ago – in a talk entitled “What is love?” – by Ajahn Brahms, a British Buddhist monk.

Of course, we all know that most men would be incandescent with a Molotov cocktail of rage, jealousy and betrayal tipped perhaps with a sparkling fuse of self-pity. Yet, this monk challenged his listeners: If that man truly loved his girlfriend, and was willing to do anything (that’s what they all say, no?) for her happiness, shouldn’t he be over-joyed that she had found contentment, albeit with somebody else? In fact, he should be doubly happy that his best friend had also discovered bliss!

Easier said than done certainly. Yet Brahms, who was originally trained at Cambridge University as a quantum physicist, pointed out that most of what we call romantic love is actually selfish love which can be translated as: “I love you for the ‘high’ that you give me.”

In contrast, there is true love, which says, “I love you, and want the best for you, no matter what”. This, he explained, is the kind of selfless love that a mother might give her children.

The Malaysian equivalent would be unconditional love for the son who does not score ten A1’s in his SPM or the daughter who shacks up with a Nigerian dealing in counterfeit currency!

Maybe in the old days one could “monitor” and “manage” a partner’s behaviour to ensure he or she did not stray. But nowadays, when people can flirt and cyber-fornicate through SMS, e-mails, instant messenger (perhaps even stripping on webcam!) and social networking sites – as I, a tech-dinosaur, once discovered to my chagrin – it’s open season for all.

Unless, you lock up your women at home Taliban-style without allowing them to even pick up the phone – but such insecurity and control are surely all about “possession” and “ownership”, not love.

I had a glimpse of what true love was about once in my life. Years ago, not only was my girlfriend two timing me, but, in a bizarre twist, I was even staying at the guy’s flat in Singapore! Oh what an explosive, miserable Molotov cocktail of emotions that was.

And strangely, when I opened my Bible, desperate for guidance, God (I felt) had the audacity to have me read James chapter one, which told me to rejoice! For I was like silver ore being refined through a white-hot furnace into shiny metal.

Yet, after a week of praying, the answer to my agony came: That I should simply practise true, unconditional love. Indeed, I recalled the verse: “Love keeps no record of wrongs”.

In a flash of insight, I realised, that if I really loved her, as I claimed and declared, I should be happy that she had found happiness, even in the arms of another man. It was a miracle, but the whole weight of anger, jealousy and self-loathing was instantly lifted off my shoulders. I felt buoyant, joyous and liberated.

Yes, true love is liberating and soul-nurturing. But it needs to be consciously cultivated, practised and nurtured. Just as it’s not easy to love one’s enemy, it’s all too easy to slip back into old habits of selfishness or emotional dependency.

I myself have paid the price, once ending up in a relationship of such intense “love” and hate, such neediness yet loathing, that we broke up and patched up several times within three months.

It was, in the jargon of psychology, the classic “co-dependent” relationship, where both parties feel an inner void that they seek to fill in the other – and blame the other when either one is dissatisfied.

Or course that was not love. Instead, I had become my own parody of a Dear Thelma story, the kind you read about (and I sometimes laugh at in sheer disbelief, shame on me) in StarMag’s Heart & Soul pages.

In short, I am still finding my way. I have seen the exquisite, soaring North Star, yet my feet on earth are still all too human and stumbling over sand, soil and mud. But I am thankful for the compass that my past experiences, both wretched and exultant, has given me on this journey.

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I believe true romance really exist. But love and responsibility always come together, and it is not for ourself that we love the partner, but for the wellbeing of the future generation