thai visitors

Tortured by Thai visits


Dear Thelma

I AM a married woman in my 40s with a teenage son. My marriage was a happy one until two years ago when I found some condoms in my husband’s luggage and that he had been making regular visits to a Thai border town. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he had to entertain because of the nature of his job and promised me that he would put a stop to this.

Alas! Two years have passed and his visits continue. Each time I find out, I confront him about it but he tells me all sorts of lies instead. I am having sleepless nights and feeling emotionally drained because of his constant denials and lies. Furthermore, we have not been intimate for quite a while.

I would very much like to save our marriage for the sake of our son. I want my former loving and family-oriented husband back rather than contemplate ending our relationship because I do not have the confidence to start afresh as I stopped working more than 15 years ago.

Lulu

IT is unlikely that your husband will revert to the man he was before he got entangled with prostitutes. He has been feeding you lies and false promises for two years. Your relationship with him has been sexually cold and indifferent. So what are your options?

There are women like you who suffer marriages of convenience for their own good reasons. You are thinking of your son and your financial dependence on him. You are afraid to start afresh because you feel useless, incapable and lack drive and confidence. It’s a tough, harsh world outside for a homemaker like you. It’s normal to feel so hapless, so hopeless in such a situation.

There are also women who are not afraid to fight back for their esteem, pride and dignity. Your husband has been cheating on you. He has betrayed your love, trust and the sanctity of your marriage. And most importantly, what values can you impart to your teenage son should he find out the truth? Is it acceptable to lie, cheat and betray? He may hate his father but he might also learn the worst from him. And can he respect you, his mother, for allowing such emotional abuse and neglect?

When cornered, do not be afraid to fight back. Your child is a young adult and he has the right to choices and decisions. He need not grow up hating his father but he needs to understand right from wrong. Let him know the truth. His father cannot deny the facts and if he loves you and his child, he must stop being irresponsible and selfish. And you must not let your husband know your fear so he cannot bully you into submission and defeat.

When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. You are trapped in a marriage you are afraid to leave. While your heart breaks every time your man leaves for his prostitutes and have his fun, you dare not walk away from the cold, empty bed. If you can live with this for the rest of your life, then it is your choice. But if you want more than a farce of a marriage, the shell of a man, then consider walking out.

Search the Internet for support groups. The Women’s Aid Organisation (www.wao.org.my) may be a good start. Even if you need to stay in your marriage, it helps to have friends and people who understand. Learn to be liberated. You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to fear.